The days when I move from Weasel to Horatio or vice versa always have a sort of surreal edge to them. I try to make sure that there is no sign of Horatio by the time Weasel gets home and I try to make sure that the house is a clean slate for Horatio to come into so he doesn’t feel out of place. I end up kissing both of them within hours of each other and it feels like I’m two people.

I had a great weekend though, got lots of shopping things sorted on Friday, including some brown shoes to go with my skirt, been meaning to get some for about six months. Also managed to get Horatio two pairs of trousers that he likes and looks oh so cute in. Got my fancy bookends from him too, they’re gorgeous and do the job perfectly. Weasel’s metro[g]nome arrived and she loves it so all is well.

My Dad turned 50 on Friday. He had a huge party with like 20 people and a little gravestone cake and I wish I could have been there. I completely forgot to call on Friday so I did on Saturday afternoon. I said I was sorry for being late and he said it worked out better for him anyway. Talking to my Dad is always strange, I know we love each other but there always seems to be this undercurrent of tension. I’m not sure whether I’m imaging it or if I’m creating it or if it really is there. So we stuck to safe topics as usual, books, movies, music, smoking laws, employment with degree vs. without etc. Guess I ought to just get used to things as they are. Unfortunately, I’ve been working on making myself change things I’m unhappy with for seven years or so and to suddenly change tack and have to learn to let things go is a challenge.

I showed Horatio the DVD version of Pink Floyd’s The Wall today. He’d never seen it before, but it does things to me. I was pretty into it when I was at my lowest and it sort of holds those references for me. Watching it makes me feel 16 and lost again. And today, I realised that The Wall was almost the last film I ever saw. I was showing it to Dustin and his boyfriend and they were making out throughout the entire thing and I remember listening to them and thinking how alone I was and how alone I always would be blah-blah-blah and the next day brought on the 200 pills and the hospital visits etc.

Then three months later, I met Weasel. I still think that is one of the cruellest lessons I’ve had to learn. That time changes everything so quickly and that nothing is forever or permanent. The irony of nearly dying of loneliness then meeting someone who would stop that three months, 90-days later. Kick-in-the-teeth.

What a dreary thought. I also showed him the Depeche Mode music video DVDs, they’re so kick ass. Love love love DM and am so very excited for gig in April.

Also thought I might try to have a games night for my birthday. But I have to figure out logistics of such an event. Who would be invited, where I’d put people who wanted to spend the night, what to feed people and on what [I only have six dinner plates and only four cereal bowls - and only six of each kind of utensil, would have to get plastic forks and paper plates]… if people spend the night, where will they sleep and with what [we only have so many pillows, and generally speaking they're in use]. So I guess I need to start thinking things through and organising my thoughts. Also need to remember that the second weekend of April may well contain a trip to Amsterdam.