“I think it’s dark and it looks like rain” you said
“and the wind is blowing like it’s the end of the world” you said
“and it’s so cold it’s like the cold if you were dead” and then you smiled for a second

So I’ve had six people confirm their presence at my birthday party. I’ve invited ten. Suspect we’ll be going for Chinese food then coming back here for games and general get-everyone-to-do-what-I-want activities. I think I’m probably quite mad for thinking I can handle this. I hate being the centre of attention. Ah well, probably good for me to leave my comfort zones.

I was thinking today, what if someone lied to me fairly early on about when I was born? What if I’m really only 20? I have so little memory of anything, it could have happened anytime. When I was in third grade [aged 8/9] I remember New Years and it was 1989 twice. I think the hype got to me beforehand and the year changed before it did in my world. So what if that really happened? What if I don’t remember so much because it never happened? I make my brain hurt.

I’ve been feeling blue for a few days. Hoping it is awful combination of hormones, anxiety and months of little sun catching up with me. Otherwise, people have more influence in my life than I’d like and I need to get rid of them.

“I think I’m old and I’m feeling pain” you said
“and it’s all running out like it’s the end of the world” you said
“and it’s so cold it’s like the cold if you were dead” and then you smiled for a second

I’m amazed at my seemingly endless capacity for guilt, even when I’ve done nothing wrong. E has been at home recovering after a bad bump on the head a couple of weeks back. She likes to call during the day, sometimes for legitimate business reasons and other times because she’s bored and wants us to entertain her. Unfortunately, today she called at 4:30, when I was on the phone with R sorting out one last thing before I went home. I had to hang up with him, try to remember what I was calling him about and try to find out if her call was real or fake. When I asked her to hang on for two seconds, I needed to write a note to myself so I could finish talking to R she got all sort of apologetic and pathetic. So even though I technically didn’t do anything wrong, I get to feel bad. Today was just very long and very hectic. I was doing four things at once all day. Editing documents as R finished them, correcting bugs that popped up on another website, testing another site on E’s behalf and thinking of all the eight other things I didn’t get around to doing. I felt quite giddy when I left, over stimulated. By the time I’d cycled home, I was just tired. Managed to get some lovely jacket potatoes made for dinner and feeling better but still tired. Very tired of feeling tired.

Tomorrow, we have a consultant coming to the office to chat with us. Find out what we think of things and generally put names to faces. I’m nervous and curious. Also have a review this week on Thursday. Overall I think things are better, will know better once I fill out survey thingy otherwise I just have vague ideas. Structure for the win.

Sometimes you make me feel
like I’m living at the edge of the world
like I’m living at the edge of the world
“it’s just the way I smile” you said

I kissed Weasel yesterday, kissed her like I did when I didn’t feel so mad at her. Was strangely new and exciting. I’d like to explore that properly.

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