So Doodle and I went to see Imogen Heap again last night. Unfortunately, Weasel had work commitments and couldn’t go. Very sad about that. The gig was extremely cool. There were loads of surprises and she is just as kooky as ever.

Surprise one: she actually had the band with her! What a treat, at the peak there were five of them on stage.
Surprise two: the guy from Urban Species showed up and they did Blanket together. This was extraordinarily cool.
Surprise three: for the encores, she had a wardrobe change – specifically the dress worn in the Goodnight and Go video.

Shepherds Bush Empire has a no smoking policy on the upper levels [seating] so there was no smoke all evening – bliss! There were two empty seats next to me and Doodle on the other side – bliss! We could see the entire stage, her hands while she played the piano, fingers when she played the m’bira and all the people she brought. Love seeing her live.

One really nice thing, the audience was there to see her! There was no talking and walking around during songs, everyone listened politely and clapped and hooted between songs! Tori is the only other artist I’ve seen that gets that sort of treatment.

So much love for Immi.

I finally made it back into my routine this week. I’ve gone to work Monday and Tuesday and today I went to the gym, mowed the lawn, did the laundry, made some bread, had a bath, finished a book and watched a pile of Simpsons.

I’d forgotten how tiring my routine was. I’d also forgotten how satisfying it was. Looking out the window at my nicely trimmed lawn was so nice. I think I’ll have time to tackle some indoor messes on Friday. I’ve got a few exciting days coming up. Working until 3 tomorrow, then home to rest a bit before Immi in London. Doodle is staying the night and Friday and Saturday are all about the cleaning and prime Weasel time with some fun things for us. I really need to finish my party plans too. Sunday Doodle is coming over fairly early and we’re going to have band practice then we’ll all go off to see Depeche Mode. Two excellent gigs in one weekend! Only draw back in the travel, but not unbearable.

Keep trying to figure out what I want to do about the forum. I’m not sure if I miss it or not. I guess my main thought at the moment is that I don’t think the contributions I’ve made had any impact. I suspect that I could never go back and the only thing they’d notice, after a few months, would be the lack of meets. I love meets so I don’t mind planning them. In fact, I’ve already suggested the date for the next Ice Cream Tour of London… but do I need to check the forum every day to plan meets? Guess the big question is: am I getting any happiness from it still? And if so I should go back when I’m ready and if not, then I need to not go back. Horatio is a moderator on the forum, he can remove the Ice Cream Tour from the diary for me.

I think I’m just feeling very detached from everyone at the moment. Perhaps my birthday party will help reconnect me.

A few things I forgot to mention about the weekend:

There was a man working at the hotel who was very big. He was a great source of wonder for me, I loved watching him. Anyway, during dinner he ended up serving soup, so I whispered to Horatio, ‘the fat man serves the soup’. I couldn’t figure out why this was so funny, but I’ve since remembered that in Empire Records [one of the best films ever] when ‘Warren’ is using the magnet to steal the CDs and Lucas walks over to him the first thing is says is ‘the fat man walks alone’. I said it in the same voice and oh how I laughed.

The other funny thing, when we first got to the hotel and settled in our room, we could hear this odd bumping noise, not timed in anyway, but fairly constant. At first we thought it was just the people next door getting it on, but as the noise continued for a very long time we decided it must be something else. Some of our suggestions:

• Tumble dryer
• The pipes
• International Musical Chairs Competition
• Boring meeting with lots of fidgety executives
• Someone rearranging their wardrobe

Later that day though, while we were finishing drinks with Chris and Lynne there was a fire alarm so we all left the hotel. Even the poor people who were swimming. There were also groups of squash players. The noise suddenly made sense.

I’ve finally sent the ‘further details’ e-mail to all my birthday party attendees. I think I’ve managed to walk the line. We shall see. Things to do before the party include cleaning, figuring out how to re-arrange the lounge to fit 10 people in comfortably, track down delicious icing recipe to go with my fantastic cake recipe, select which yummy drinks and nibbles to get and figure out what to wear. Just over two weeks away now.

Mish very kindly pointed out to me that now that I’ve had my panics I can relax and have fun. I’m hoping it’s true.

Little break from the forum has been interesting. At first, I couldn’t stop thinking about going and then promptly feeling a little ill but now I think I feel much more comfy about everything. I think I needed the break. My poor body couldn’t handle anymore stresses. I’m not sure when I’ll go back, but I know it is a when and not an if.

My yummy dinner has just arrived [I am Domino's bitch] so I shall clear off now.

God what a weekend. Got to Leeds as planned on Friday. Girl troubles meant I was all ouchies and grumpy. Horatio drove us to Manchester, got in some quality us time. Had brief drinks with his Dad [Chris] and soon-to-be-step-Mum [Lynne] to discuss few details for wedding on Saturday. We went off and got me a pizza and set me up with the last three episodes of Veronica Mars and he went off to his Mum’s birthday dinner.

Wedding was in the afternoon, gorgeous room and I became the videographer by default. I can only hope it turned out okay. I think I was probably one of the better choices since I didn’t have a specific tie to the couple as such. Just supporting Horatio. This was by far the most entertaining wedding I’ve been to, when asked if any of us knew any reason they couldn’t be joined, Lynne’s Mum piped up that we daren’t say anything. Was really sweet though and they both looked very happy.

One fun thing though was when Horatio and I met Lynne’s Mum I got to say that I was Horatio’s girlfriend. I don’t get to do that very often.

There was very nice dinner after the wedding and a party after that and everyone had such a fun time. I missed out on my two chances for a dance with Horatio sadly. First time it was because I was filming their first dance as a married couple and second time because no one else was dancing and I couldn’t stomach going up on the floor in front of everyone by ourselves. Horatio is very sweet though, he’s said he’ll dance with me at home soon.

Awkward moment when someone asked when Horatio and I were going to get married. We sort of laughed it off, but later I thought the proper response should have been ‘as soon as possible’. Right now, because I’m already married, it is impossible. So if it ever becomes possible, we’ll be there.

I was also thinking of when Weasel and I got married. How sad I was that no one was there to see me get married. We only had ten people there and all of them were Weasel’s friends and family. How we could barely afford the legal side of things. The contrast was too much to process. I also realised I’d never have a huge wedding, I simply don’t know enough people.

Very tired, very grumpy, going to bed.

Some switch in me has been set to ‘angry’ … or rather ‘ANGRY GRRR’.

Which meant that when our Tesco delivery guy decided to say like three times that our grocery order was small it made me all grumpy. Then when I realised he’d neglected to include our bag of potatoes and bottle of scream soda with our delivery I had to call Tesco to point out that these items were missing. While I had them on the phone I told them I really didn’t appreciate delivery guy’s comments as my partner and I didn’t have a car so what might look small to him represented two and a half bicycle loads to us so they needed to suggest to their drivers that they keep their criticisms to themselves.

Our normal delivery guy is very sweet, I like him. This was a different guy.

Also means that I don’t feel that I should go to my forum since I keep getting grumpy every time I visit lately. So I think I shall stay away until I get back from Manchester. Of course, I’m a fickle creature and believe in doing what I feel like, so if I change my mind tomorrow or my angry switch changes back to neutral I shall return.

I need a hair cut.

Doodle and I have a song that we really really love, the problem is that we’ve got a huge pot of potential and we’ve ended up sort of frozen on the edge trying to find a way in which will do it justice. Today, I think we’ve managed to finally break in a little. We have words. This is a huge step forward. We also now have a tune. The anticipation is tasty. I hope we can do this song justice.

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere

So yesterday sucked. A lot. Mostly towards the end. This whole birthday party really got to me. I was trying to talk with Weasel about it, but I think she was still too ill to think things through. I was all panicky and I couldn’t tell. So I was trying to fix it myself.

We’re going to get through our little rough patch here. I’ve always hated travelling. I’m all about the destination.

And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

One thing I liked though. I put my Tears for Fears Greatest Hits album on while I was cleaning. I decided I should learn the words to Mad World so I stopped and got my booklet. I was doing really well, but I kept crying. Particularly at the ‘happy birthday’ bit. It is the most heart wrenching thing. Anyway, I really wanted to get through it, even just once, so I ended up listening to it like 15 times in a row trying to get through without crying.

And I’ve sort of become obsessed with it now. I want it playing all the time and if it isn’t I get all twitchy. I crave it. He could sing ‘look right through me’ to me forever.

I want to write songs like this. I want them to punch people in the gut. Doodle and I have one song that we can only come up with one lyric for and I think it could be shaped into something. I’m going to play this for him on Wednesday.

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen

This next little bit of time is all crazy like. Wednesday Doodle is coming over around noon. We’ll make beautiful music. Then Stoat & Mal are going to come over and we’ll all have lovely dinners and then they’ll all go home. Will be wonderful to see them, they went on holiday a couple of weeks ago so it’ll be great to catch up.

Friday I’m off to Manchester. Meeting Horatio in Leeds. We’ll go to Manchester, check into hotels and generally be happy to see each other. He’s going off to a birthday dinner for his Mum in the evening [I'm not invited, she doesn't like me]. The next day Horatio’s Dad is getting married. I think we’re just invited to the reception in the evening. So I get to dress up and panic. So fun. I am looking forward to dancing with Horatio though. Sunday I’m leaving around 1 so getting home nice and early.

30th is Immi in London. Sooo excited! 2nd April, Depeche Mode. So excellent. And as scary as it is, my party on the 8th. My actual birthday on the 11th. Work Christmas party is finally happening on April 19th. Additionally, it’ll be Brett’s birthday. I love Brett.

This year seems to be passing very quickly.

Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

The rashes are coming back on my hands. I doubt anyone remembers, but waaay back in January 2004 when I was all depressed and anxious, my wrists and hands ended up covered in rashes. I tried every moisture trick known to man and it would not go away. Must stop being so stressed.

And I find it kind of funny
and I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
‘Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very
Mad World

This Debbie was brought to you by Mad World by Tears for Fears.