Horatio is back from France. Happily, he was able to stop in and see me on his way home. Weasel was by the door when he arrived so he didn’t ring the bell. I was engrossed in a computer game and didn’t see him come in. Then I had an arm around me that I thought was Weasel’s and when I turned to ask her something I saw him instead.

We only had about 10 minutes together. It’s funny the way I cope with missing people, I tell myself repeatedly that I’m okay without them. That they could leave forever and it wouldn’t be that bad. Then I see them, touch them and I know that all the people I miss would be so badly missed that I would have to shut the emotions off. I missed him so much. I know I only see him once a month [ish] anyway, but we speak on the phone for ages every night. Having him gone was strange and hard, but I coped in my usual way, only to be proven wrong yet again.

I miss all my Mom and Dad, I miss Horatio when I’m with Weasel and Weasel when I’m with Horatio. I miss the family dog, I miss my sister, I miss Brett, Chris and Dustin. I have had to turn it all off just so I could live my life here.

Cycling home from the gym today, I wondered if part of the reason I have so few memories of my childhood was because I blocked it out like everything else that was untouchable. I can’t see my grandma, I can’t go to my home town’s mall… maybe because I couldn’t replay shared memories I didn’t prioritise their keeping.

But that wouldn’t explain my current lack of memory. Just another thing I try not to think about.

I had my body analysis today [from Mark], I’m about a stone over the acceptable limit. I knew that, so no surprise there. I’m tired of thinking of diet and exercise so much. I need to see my GP and get a dietician referral. I want so much for someone to say eat X for breakfast, Y for mid-morning snack, Z for lunch etc. I don’t understand all the subtle ways food works, like if you’re going to eat fruit sugars, eat it with some protein. That’s all well and good as a sentence, but then I have troubles remembering which bits count as proteins. Then there’s the Glycemic Index to consider… I just have trouble putting everything I’ve read in order.

One thing the chat with Mark did bring up is that mixing up the cardio and weights is better for fitness and weight loss. I didn’t know that. So I did it today in a cycle of 10 minutes of cardio then two weight machines. Not only was the workout a little easier, but I also haven’t felt completely exhausted. I can’t remember the last time I came home from the gym and still had some energy. So today I’ve managed to walk up to buy some salad fixings and fruit stuff for Weasel and I, got some hardcore practice time in with some of our songs, I finished one book and started two others. I made bread. And I don’t even have a headache! I have had a headache after the gym for ages. I’m thinking of signing up for the spin classes on Thursday evenings as well.

My little Weasel went to the gym during her lunch break and she’s fallen asleep on the sofa. Bless her. Think I’ll go get us some dinner put together.