I just ripped NIN’s Year Zero… when I took the CD out, I had an impression of black. Put it in my CD drive, ripped it and took it out. When I took it out it was a creamy white-ish colour. I was trying to figure out where the black impression came from, looking at it with some suspicion. Then as I started adding the tracks to my Winamp library I noticed the CD was black again. It totally changed colour!

This is the best thing ever.

Weasel took me for a walk this evening [I'm still not confident on my own]. I was perhaps overly ambitious and got half way to where I was vaguely headed and decided I needed to go back. On the way I got a wave of dizzy and stopped to hold on to a post while the world settled.

A group of girls cycled by and the last one stopped. While I was holding the post she kept saying ‘excuse me’ over and over, Weasel was ignoring her [as she does] and after I straightened up I acknowledged her and she asked us what school we went to. I said we were a little old for school. She expressed disbelief and I said Weasel was 27 and I was 26. She said Weasel looked 13, also that I didn’t, so I can only assume I looked older.

This marks my largest misjudged age gap to date. When I was 17, someone guessed my age at 12. Now I’m 26 and I suspect she would have put me at 15 or younger to be going around with the 13 year old. The whole exchange amused me greatly. Then on the way back home, another group of kids went by and they all said hi. I can’t decide if it was because we looked young and had wandered into the cool evening spot for them to hang out or if we are the local celebrity lesbian couple. Good times.

On Sunday night I was talking to Horatio and I finally figured out why I’d been so reluctant to work on the project R asked me to work on – I hated the layout he’d come up with. So I wrote a nice e-mail explaining that the dizziness was still a problem and I’d been told not to touch my bike for a week. Then I went the issues with the new layout and suggested a few things I could do from home this week to try and catch up.

So yesterday R came round with the portable hard drive and I now I am set-up to do stats from here. When he arrived I had a few windows open on my computer and we just worked on top of those, after installing some things I had to restart my computer, so of course my desktop became visible. I have Heather Carolin on my desktop looking suitably naked and seductive. I don’t think this particular social situation has happened to me before. We both just pretended she wasn’t there, but I have to wonder, from a ‘Miss Manners’ point of view, what would have been the correct response?

“Ah, yes, this is Heather Carolin. Very gifted young lady. Could I show you the rest of my collection?”
“Oh! God, I forgot she was there!”
“Weasel likes to put dodgy desktops on my computer – she thinks she’s funny!” *roll eyes*

Anyway, I have been working from home in the planned fits and starts and it has been okay. I’ve also been sitting on my ball as told and that makes things all the more interesting. My hearing is getting worse again, but it isn’t as bad as it was by a long shot. Balance is still a bit dodgy, I can manage longer walks [i.e. up to 45 minutes as opposed to 20 or 30]. Basically, I am improving, I’m trying not to push myself too much and I am cautiously optimistic.

Weasel and I have been investigating new bank accounts till our brains melt and run out our ears, so if any of you really love your bank could you please let us know about them?

I am on my own for most of this week, Weasel is off to four cities in three days. Three cities are meeting for work, but after her last one on Thursday she is off to visit Her Boy and Horatio arrives. So things are going to be a bit mad. I just hope I continue to improve, I don’t want to repeat past visits like when we ended up staying up all night waiting for the out of hours doctor to call. So any extra good vibes you have please send them my way – thank you!

Weasel enjoys Something Awful and occasionally passes amusement on to me, like when AOL released their search logs and they highlighted some of the more amusing search paths:

Part 1 – http://www.somethingawful.com/d/weekend-web/aol-search-log.php
Part 2 – http://www.somethingawful.com/d/weekend-web/aol-search-log-2.php
Part 3 – http://www.somethingawful.com/d/weekend-web/aol-search-log-3.php

I’m not linking because I don’t think I want to sic something awful on me.

Anyway, my favourite on page five from number 7979427 was so wonderful I decided I needed to share it…

INTERNET!
All my code names are confused!
Please help me.

Picture angry person shaking fist at computer. Oh lordy I laughed. Maybe an angry dad type person, running into the room, seeing Internet sat there, maybe he points menacingly and shouts, “INTERNET! What are you doing in here!? Where are my code names?!” I hope this never gets old.

I’ve also enjoyed saying “that’s fucked up” lately. It’s amusing me.

Happily it seems that the first bill for ENT services we got was only half of it. We’re well on our way to breaking the £1000 mark woo.

Remember the otovent I was going to try? Kara checked several pharmacies and no one had it, so I ordered it online. It only arrived this morning so I didn’t get to use it before trying to fit the grommet.

My appointment was at 2. I got fancy numbing type cream put in my ear so I wouldn’t feel when he started cutting my ear drum. We waited for an hour or so for that to kick in then he cleared out the cream, opened my ear drum and sucked all the awful glue-y gunk out. It took two goes. He tried to fit the grommet after that, but my ear drum was too thick [swollen from all the infections] and he couldn’t get the grommet in. Then I went and had a little sit down and marvelled at being able to hear. I had a hearing test after that [another £50!] and things are definitely better. I felt my ear plug a little on the way home, so I’m listening to live To Venus and Back CD in case it goes again. I have missed music so much. I doubt it’ll go 60% again… or at least I hope not.

Dizziness still there, I am getting better, I’m able to sit up for most of the day. I’m still not able to walk comfortably for more then 30 minutes and I’m useless at looking up. He suggested that I sit on my exercise ball to encourage the re-education of my balance bits. He also thought that draining my ear of all that junk would help – especially after I told him that when I sneezed or scratched my ear I got a hit of dizziness.

Weasel and I decided to walk home so we didn’t get back until 6:15. On the walk we passed a lot of traffic stopped in queues, including a white van with two men. As we were walking by the passenger shouted at the driver [I assume for our benefit] that he wasn’t gay and he wasn’t going let him tickle his man flaps. It was too much for us. We wondered what man flaps might be, but we decided it didn’t really matter. We later passed a group of 12-year-olds who issued a ‘ginger warning’ for my benefit and commented that Weasel has a ‘tight arse’ [she does]. So really fun all round.

The first official single [Big Wheel] from Tori’s new album has video! Very excited about album and the concept around it. I’m trying to stick to official stuff only because the two ‘clips’ I had of this and another song were a bit crap and I think unfairly coloured my opinion. I’ve tried to be good and wait for the album to listen, but since this is all shiny and real I decided it was okay to partake.

I hate to say it, given that I’ve been trying to make myself be positive about all this being ill business, but I’m blue.

I have a pile of e-mails to reply to and I haven’t been able to get the energy together.

I feel bad about…

• the dishes [and the state of the kitchen generally]
• the bathroom
• the dressing room
• the sofa
• Doodle and band obligations
• work
• Weasel’s worries over her work and not being able to support her
• Weasel’s on-going difficulties with her tummy and not being able to support her
• generally being useless and unsupportive
• being snippy at Horatio because I’m mad at myself [see useless point above]
• the lawn [spring has sprung while I've been lying on the sofa and it is approximately 80x longer than it would like to be]
• my physical health and fitness level

I’m worrying about…

• whether I’ve formed habits or not during this illness that might be difficult to shift later [I'm used to having very strict control over myself and this has taken it from me so I'm a little angry too]
• money, oh lord the money. By my count this illness has cost us between £600-800 – or pretty much all our savings. And if my ear doesn’t do the decent thing and unplug by Friday it’ll probably be more like £800-£1000.
• letting various friends and family people down by not functioning like I normally do

So I am sad. I miss my life and the things I like to do [and even some things I don't like to do].

I miss my sleeping mask [nose pain has left me without for a few months]. I miss having hair I could just wash and towel dry and leave [but my god I love how it looks when I blow dry it].

I miss having nothing new to talk about. I miss cooking [especially since I found a recipe for the 'best lasagne ever' and some delicious looking gnocchi di ricotta e salsa di gorgonzola (or ricotta and nutmeg dumplings with gorgonzola sauce)].

I miss thinking! I tried to have Weasel catch me up with our book binding course so I could go to the class last today [look at me all ambitious!] and the longer I looked at my book and thought through its construction [aka measuring and cutting] about it the more dizzy I got and I finally had to go straight from the table to the sofa. Then I got the fear about the 20-minute [if we're lucky] walk, the two hour class [full of concentrating fun!] and the 20-minute return journey and what would happen if I couldn’t handle it… so I didn’t go. It is good I didn’t, I’ve been feeling awful all afternoon.

I wish I could fast forward the next two weeks, I am so achingly close to coming out the other side [or so I like to tell myself].