Blueblueblue
I hate to say it, given that I’ve been trying to make myself be positive about all this being ill business, but I’m blue.
I have a pile of e-mails to reply to and I haven’t been able to get the energy together.
I feel bad about…
- the dishes [and the state of the kitchen generally]
- the bathroom
- the dressing room
- the sofa
- Doodle and band obligations
- work
- Weasel’s worries over her work and not being able to support her
- Weasel’s on-going difficulties with her tummy and not being able to support her
- generally being useless and unsupportive
- being snippy at Horatio because I’m mad at myself [see useless point above]
- the lawn [spring has sprung while I've been lying on the sofa and it is approximately 80x longer than it would like to be]
- my physical health and fitness level
I’m worrying about…
- whether I’ve formed habits or not during this illness that might be difficult to shift later [I'm used to having very strict control over myself and this has taken it from me so I'm a little angry too]
- money, oh lord the money. By my count this illness has cost us between £600-800 – or pretty much all our savings. And if my ear doesn’t do the decent thing and unplug by Friday it’ll probably be more like £800-£1000.
- letting various friends and family people down by not functioning like I normally do
So I am sad. I miss my life and the things I like to do [and even some things I don't like to do].
I miss my sleeping mask [nose pain has left me without for a few months]. I miss having hair I could just wash and towel dry and leave [but my god I love how it looks when I blow dry it].
I miss having nothing new to talk about. I miss cooking [especially since I found a recipe for the 'best lasagne ever' and some delicious looking gnocchi di ricotta e salsa di gorgonzola (or ricotta and nutmeg dumplings with gorgonzola sauce)].
I miss thinking! I tried to have Weasel catch me up with our book binding course so I could go to the class last today [look at me all ambitious!] and the longer I looked at my book and thought through its construction [aka measuring and cutting] about it the more dizzy I got and I finally had to go straight from the table to the sofa. Then I got the fear about the 20-minute [if we're lucky] walk, the two hour class [full of concentrating fun!] and the 20-minute return journey and what would happen if I couldn’t handle it… so I didn’t go. It is good I didn’t, I’ve been feeling awful all afternoon.
I wish I could fast forward the next two weeks, I am so achingly close to coming out the other side [or so I like to tell myself].
Let’s face it, being ill simply is depressing. It’s normal to find it hard to stay positive when ill, even though it is important to try for all kinds of reasons. So remember that, and try not to fall into the old spiral of depressed about depression.
As for e-mails, they’re like postal letters, in my opinion, and it’s kind of sad that the modern world has made them seem soo immediate. Unless any are marked as urgent, then no-one should complain about having to wait for a response. Especially if they know you’re ill, have partners, and more to do than just obbsessively reply to online messages (ick ¬.¬)
As for your relations with your partners, you’re genuinely ill and they know this. They understand that you’re likely to be a little snippy and less supportive than you’d like. In situations like this, you personally simply cannot be expected to take much of their weight. That’s what their wider support network of friends and family is for, and one of the best things you can do is remind them that there are others they can turn to. Knowing weasel, it’s easier said than done, she’s very quiet about personal issues, I didn’t know of her worries over work. But this is why it is important for partners to have friends other than their partner.
The effects of the lack of your normal routine seem to be at the root of a lot of your worries. Routine is important and called routine for a reason – it routes in emotional stability and happiness. Ok, yes, I spent ten minutes trying to think of that and I’m actually extremely proud
But it’s true, a good healthy routine helps keep your mental state healthy.
It’s normal to worry about returning to your old routine, and to be honest it will not be amazing at first. But you’ll soon slip back into the good stuff
Perhaps try to introduce some aspects of routine, especially the good old routine, back into your day? Just one activity at a time, keep it up, and see were it takes you. It would probably help your self-esteem no end and make you generally feel better, too. But remember, as much as you’d like to, don’t push yourself. A small addition that you can stick with is far better than trying anything grand. Life’s made up of small bites, just like eating an elephant. It may look like one huge task, but really it’s lots of small ones.
You can do this!