I am having my first alone time in over a week and I feel bad because I didn’t use it to read the boy’s dissertation.

I haven’t checked any of my websites, I haven’t been to UKA since before I went to Leeds three weeks ago. I have lost touch with all my fun things that I like to do.

Everyone always wants something from me and I am failing on all fronts. I haven’t been spending as much time with my Mom as I should because of all the questions and I get so quick to annoyance and I don’t want that to be our relationship. I haven’t been reading Horatio’s paper like I should, I haven’t been able to support him as much as I want to with his move. He’ll be all in on Monday and I’ll be in London with my parents. I can’t even go up next weekend because I have a doctor’s appointment on Thursday and I want to have some time at home to reclaim my space and get everything back in order.

The car went away this morning so hopefully I’ll get some more exercise. Not that I’ve been resting on my laurels, we have been walking for miles every day. I’m so tired of attractions. Of people. Of being a 4-some. Grocery shopping is normally very easy, Weasel and I move through the aisle efficiently and get exactly what we want without worrying about the price. My Mom wanders off and we have to go find here they’re unwilling to split up like Weasel and I do when we miss something. Everything is an event.

I love them and I’m so happy they’re here. I haven’t seen them since Christmas 2005 and after this I won’t see them until July 2009 so I know this time is precious. BUT. I wish that I could see them for a few days, send them off for a day then have them come back again over a month instead of putting all the togetherness in two weeks every single day.

I can’t swear, masturbate, tune out, listen to silence, read, call the boy any time, shower any time… I’ve wanted nothing but normalcy this year and it keeps moving further and further away.

I have blood coming regularly out of my nose again. My teeth hurt fairly constantly, they woke me up at 3:00 this morning and I couldn’t take any more drugs until 4 o’clock so I read in bed. I’m tired of feeling so … watched. Which makes me sound paranoid, but I’m not, I’m just overwhelmed.

I tell myself it is only a week to go and that makes me want to cry. I miss them when they’re not here. I’m not sure what I can do.

I don’t like that my Mom doesn’t like my adopted country when I love it so much.

Sorry this so it jumbled, I don’t have time.