Well, it is official – as of today I only take drugs twice a day!

The insomnia is still going strong. I’m really shaky and everything is very difficult. I’ve tried to be sensible about it. I go to bed as usual around 10:30/11 and I stay there. It is warm, comfortable and safe in bed so I feel pretty okay. My brain won’t stop so I’ve got a little notebook to get things out so I don’t obsess [as much]. I’m still really anxious, not as much but still. Last night though, it got bad enough that I decided to take a diazepam. I took it just before 1 o’clock and fell into the deepest sweetest sleep until I had to pee at 3 when I woke up I was shocked I’d been asleep it had been that hard. Thankfully I managed to get back straight away. I got up just before 8 this morning. I feel a bit better but than I have, but still really disoriented. I didn’t want to take the diazepam, but I haven’t slept properly since last Wednesday, I was falling apart.

Today is tricky for me too. Weasel has a friend who arrived after I went to bed last night and I don’t know their plans today. I don’t know how late they were up or if I should do anything. Normally this wouldn’t matter, I wouldn’t care. The anxiety has different plans for me though. And it isn’t like knowing anything more would make any difference to how I behave or what I’ll be doing.

I think part of it is Horatio is getting here around noon and I’m nervous of seeing him and having this many people around me is still really hard.

So then I have to make a decision, do I sit here listening to my heart pound and struggle to cope as best I can and distract myself or do I simply go upstairs, poke Weasel and ask what the current situation is. Or do I hope by writing this it gets the emotion out of my system so I can let it go…

My hearing seems to be better today! I could hear the floor boards creak in the hallway when I walked on them. I could hear the click when I turned on the bathroom light. Music is clearer today. Maybe all this discharge from my right ear has been a good thing after all. I’m going to the doctor’s tomorrow to have everything double checked and reviewed since I finish the antibiotics tomorrow. I’m really hoping the infection is finally gone.

Now that I’ve backuped my journals, sorted and backuped my photographs I’ve moved onto the next biggest part of my hard drive cleaning campaign: my pr0n collection. I’ve learned some interesting things. I’m not a big fan of blondes. I don’t like amateurs. I hate stupid expressions and dumb location shoots [dining room tables not sexy!]. I hate when they have bad shoes or poorly fitted clothes. I’m not fond of really thin girls. I love nice hair. I hate tan lines. I like girls with something a little different about them. I’ve been deleting like crazy. I think for me, pr0n is not so much about nasty, cum covered beaver shots and full facials [ewwww!!], but more about beauty. About being aesthetically pleasing. It is erotica I’m after.

I’m trying to decide how much Christmas I can do. Whether I get Horatio to help Weasel get the Christmas boxes out of the loft. I think I might. Having a little cheer in my life can only be a good thing. It would be fun to set up the tree and get a few cards sent to people.