Ezekiel has been having a rough week and she asked that I take over Debbie for today.

I’ve had a great couple of days. Ezekiel hasn’t been feeling well so I got to watch a lot of TV and snuggle [and I loooove snuggling]. I like it when she pets my back leg and plays with my ears. I also got to sleep a lot. I sure love sleeping – especially when Ezekiel and Weasel are in bed together and I get to snuggle between them. It’s all warm, quiet, safe and they love on me and talk lots about every topic you can imagine. Best way to end a day.

We had really yummy salad yesterday too and I know we’re all really excited for Wednesday because there will be a grocery delivery and they’re trying kale. They’ve been big on the vegetables lately thanks to the steamer Ezekiel got for Christmas. Veggies are very good at the moment because they’re both pretty ill. Weasel is battling a vicious cold, but she should be better in a week or so.

They left me alone for a little while today – they went to get cheese. When they came home they were soaked [England is covered in huge storms at the moment], but seemed in better spirits so I’m not mad at the rain.

While I’m writing this my wolf friend Corrin is watching Weasel work on flight plans. She’s been playing this flight sim game a lot and it seems to make her really happy. I’m not sure how good a co-pilot Corrin is, but he seems to enjoy the together time.

Physically nothing has really changed over this week for Ezekiel; she’s still wheezy/coughing, very tired [slept until noon again today] and generally achy in feet, legs, arms, wrists and hands. Mentally, this week has been very difficult. I think the longevity of this illness is getting to her. The trapped in her own head by deafness. Trapped in her house by leg pain, fear and anxiety.

Yesterday she woke up and her entire body hurt so the day was spent on the sofa. Today she had the weird flu thing – again. It seems to happen weekly, so Weasel and Ezekiel are both keeping an eye on it so they can report to doctors. She woke up with it today and did her best not to panic, but when walking down stairs makes you cry it is hard to keep calm.

Horatio came to see us on Saturday. That was nice. He petted me lots and said I was good. We watched a couple of films and snuggled lots – all three of us; not just me and Horatio. They played card games and talked lots too. They also had fun making fish in the steamer, something neither of them had done before. He is a nice man and I always like it when he visits.

They talked about the possibility of a longer visit in April and as much as Ezekiel wants it to happen she suspects that it probably won’t. She’s putting off thinking about it for the moment because this week is scary enough of its own. She’s going to the hair dresser’s tomorrow after a five month hiatus and she’s hoping to walk both ways. After two days of lying on the sofa feeling miserable she’s nervous. She has back-up plans in the shape of taxis, but would really like to walk. Thursday sees her back at the ENT… she got a letter last week saying that the grommet was still a bad idea. She suspected as much, but she seems to think some of the black mental stuff might be from that loss of hope. Friday she’s getting another injection. Depending on how hair dressers and ENT goes she may well be going to the injection alone. Which is scary too.

Weasel is definitely willing to go but Ezekiel feels like such a baby being so dependent. Even though she knows logically that it is okay to be weak right now and having an advocate at hospital with you is good.

It just isn’t what she had planned.

New plan: I’m pregnant.

When I spoke with Blanketgirl on Sunday I told her how my legs and arms have melted and my stomach is bigger and thanks to the steroids I have a moonier face than usual. We agreed that I could pull of pregnant with this look and so today when I went for my walk, I got to dress in cute new clothes so I felt confident and I totally just let myself glow with the little life growing inside me. It must have worked because I thought it was a fairly long walk but upon my return I discovered that I only took 45 minutes.

Weasel and I have decided we want a boy and we’re discussing names. I like Iain.

Doodle lent Weasel and I Stardust and oh my god it is good. I haven’t enjoyed a film that much in years [or so it felt]. The casting was excellent and the changes to the plot were inoffensive and enjoyable. I totally need to buy it [or get it for my birthday]. Weasel got the book for me, hard back first edition back in 98. It was one of many courting gifts we exchanged. It is one of my favourite books for her to read to me. The illustrations by Charles Vess are stunning. I haven’t read the book for a few years and once I knew the film was coming I put it off. I wanted to see it with fairly fresh eyes. Now that I’ve seen the film I intend to re-read the book. If you haven’t seen it yet, go and see!

A few weeks ago I woke myself up because I was laughing at my dream. This amused me to no end and I quickly grabbed my bedside notebook and wrote down my dream so I’d remember and have another giggle.

I was crime fighting with two girls I went to school with; we ended up in a mote [as you do]. There was a shark in the mote [of course]. We had a male side-kick who was standing on the mote edge with a family we’d recently rescued. When we got out of the water the shark chased us onto land [!] and bit our man’s leg off. Then his arm. Then the rest of him. The shark re-entered the water and the arm of our male side-kick waved to us and the family as he swam away. We all waved back.

The happy waving arm from the mouth of the shark coupled with the traumatised family enthusiastically waving back is what did it for me. Oh how I laughed. I have to find the humour anywhere I can these days.

Weasel was working on her computer earlier under the desk and managed to hit her head hard enough to break the skin. She’s been a bit wobbly all day as a result. She had a short nap earlier and I read up on concussions. She’s okay, but is very pathetic and therefore cute. I’ve also been able to reference her ‘head wound’ all day which has given me many giggles.

I finally realised what I could compare this weird muscle pain to: bruises. When I’m sat on soft things and not moving and nothing is touching me I feel okay. The second I touch something or move I have pain. Even pushing the sleeves of my jacket up makes my arm muscles hurt. And so just FYI: when your entire body feels like it is covered in bruises it hurts twice as much when you drop a block of cheese on your foot.

After my shopping trip on Sunday I was too tired to try anything on. I finally did today and thankfully everything fit and I’m very pleased. I wore Real Clothes for the first time today, I went on a 30 minute walk just like I have been doing, but the confidence I felt wearing normal clothes as opposed to how I felt wearing my comfy, easy clothes was amazing. I felt real, unremarkable and normal. On days when I’m not doing so well I’ll still resort to my comfy, easy clothes, but on days when I have a bit more oomph I’m totally going to be normal.

On my walk, I went through one of the many pensioner communities in the area. I found my thoughts drifting to those poor people who are older and isolated due to family living far away or physical limitations. I thought of Age Concerns campaign at Christmas time for people to send cards to random older people so they can have some contact and cheer. If it were me, I’d totally move into one of the communities. We could sit around drinking Tequila sunrises and talk about how awesome the 80s were. I definitely wouldn’t stay on my own in my home if I didn’t have a support network nearby.

Blanketgirl’s surgery went according to plan and she’s doing fine! Big sign of relief. Happily, a few awful things they thought might be possibilities turned out to not be there, so even better! Last I knew she was in recovery and everything was okay. Our parents are with her to help with the kids and the house so hopefully she’ll be able to rest a lot and get back on her feet quicker.

Telephone amplifier came. We didn’t think it through – our corded phone has the keypad for dialling etc. on the handset not the base. So it didn’t work on our phone. Thankfully, Weasel had her old work phone still, so we were able to hook it up to that. I made my first call with it yesterday – I’ve booked a hair appointment for the 11th. She offered me the 13th initially, I said I couldn’t because I had a hospital appointment. Then she offered the 20th and I had to say I had another appointment then too. Luckily instead of offering the 28th [yet another appointment] she was able to juggle some things and put me in on the 11th. I’m really excited; I haven’t had my hair cut and coloured since October. I’m hoping it’ll help me to feel more human too.

I’m reading Not Quite What I Was Planning and it is so amazing what can be expressed in six words. When the initial collection for six word memoires or stories came up I tried to think of something but failed. I’ve been thinking again and I have one:

Speaking of reading, I recently discovered [via Neil] that one out of every four adults read no books last year. This is mind boggling to me. One in four. Additionally, the typical person claimed to have read four books in a year. 12 months to read four books. That’s three months for one book. Outrageous! Since the 14th of February I’ve read three books and I’m 1/3 of the way through a fourth. I’ve also read many newspapers and at least one magazine. Not to mention all the websites I’ve been reading lately. I love books, I always have. I get so much pleasure from it… I guess it is like reading that one in four people hate warm chocolate cake with thick creamy icing and a nice scoop of vanilla ice cream for contrast. Crazy.

I gave in to new American foods on eBay shop I found. I have two Miracle Whips, Chinese noodles, Swedish Fish, Seasoned Salt and Cream of Wheat coming to me. They’re all nice big sizes so they’ll last for ages. I was kind of annoyed at the seller though. I e-mailed to get the shipping cost since I was getting so much. She said it would be £32 – each auction listed shipping as £5.50, the total without any discount etc. is £27.50. So I don’t know why she decided that £32 was appropriate. I decided to just put in £27.50 and if she wanted to argue she could. I didn’t hear anything until yesterday when it said that my order had been mailed. So I guess it worked out. The other American food shop I love is based in the UK, but only has the small sizes. The postage costs are much less and they will get everything to you within 24-hours. It’s all a trade off. I’m hoping the supply I have now will last until I visit the US in November.

I had another ‘flu’ night last night. I’m baffled as to what causes it, this is the second one in recent memory and the third overall I think. I go to bed as usual, wake up a little later with a fever [pile on more blankets!]. I ache all over, most notably my arms, wrists and hands [making rolling over very painful]. I had a very sore throat last night and the last time I ended up with a stuffy nose. I took painkillers [over-the-counter, nothing fancy - yay!] and felt tender but okay when I finally got out of bed at 10:30. There is no rhyme or reason to this illness. Every day is different and I have to just see how I’m doing. This is why making plans is so hard, I don’t know what’s happening from one day to the next.

Horatio is visiting this Saturday and I’m really excited. But there’s the possibility that I could have another day like yesterday. I stayed on the sofa all day – literally. I was completely exhausted. The hair appointment on the 11th is of concern too, I’ll push myself because I need it to happen. It’s just scary having so much of my future up in the air and dependent on … well, nothing. Other than ensuring that I get enough sleep there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do to influence how I feel. I just have to take each day as it comes.

I hate ‘kicky’ as an adjective.

I was brave [or stupid] and went with Weasel to see her family today. It was tiring and my voice is completely shagged but it was worth it. I got to go to shops, I bought shirts! and a pair of trousers and some socks! This is good. My stomach is huge and none of my old nice clothes look right anymore so I need something to help repair my shattered self-worth. I’m also angling to get my hair done. I know I won’t be able to exercise like I want for a while yet, so I figured it was worth shelling out £50 to get clothes that I could feel comfortable and human in.

Anyway, we got back to their house, we talked; I mostly did all right with my listening device. I only missed a few things and everyone was kind and repeated themselves. We had very delicious pasta and bread for lunch with wonderful fig bars with ice cream and fancy warm sauce over both for dessert. Wonderful. We also had a tiny Christmas tree to make up for my having missed Christmas altogether. Today is Mother’s Day in the UK so we got to see Mal’s flowers and chocolates. The visit wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be [in terms of conversation] but it was harder than I thought it would be. I got very tired and towards the end I found myself quick to irritation [but I'm good at holding my tongue if nothing else, so I'm fairly certain I didn't offend anyone]. It was good that I went, but I need to find where my boundaries for time are, it was a very long day for me.

I’d really like to find a job that I could do from here in my own time. Does anything like that exist? Or is it just one scam after another – “send us £24.95 and we’ll give you all the training and material you need to work from home and earn £200+ per week!” Bullshit. If it is too good to be true it probably is. I’m going to keep half an eye out. If anyone knows anything about this arena [even if it is to tell me that such a thing does not exist] please share.

This next bit is gross, skip it if you like. Remember the scary things that come out of my nose? Today, I had one that wasn’t too keen to exit and I was trying to … encourage it. I’ve known logically that my septum is gone, but today I managed to touch my finger tips together inside my nose from both doors. It was a very surreal moment and I have to say it is haunting me a bit now.

I finished A Clockwork Orange ages ago and I realised I never followed-up from my initial mention of it. Overall, I think it was a worthwhile book to read. I probably won’t read it again. The ending felt a bit off, the change of heart he had based on wanting a relationship with a girl in his life is a logical and wholly acceptable conclusion, but it was too fast. It was one day to the next. I would have preferred for him to realise over time and I would have enjoyed reading about how he ended the relationship with his droogs and how they reacted. Since it was a rather heavy book, I went for light next and read the two most recent Harper Connelly books by Charlaine Harris – they are excellent. I finished the last one today and next in my queue is Not Quite What I Was Planning which is a collection of six-word memoirs written by various people. I’m very excited about it.

Blanketgirl goes in for surgery tomorrow. I got to call and touch base and reconnect today. I’m just hoping that she can finally be free of the pain. Our parents are going to be with her to help with the kids and animals over the next little bit, I just wish I could help more. Any spare good vibes you have send them her way okay?

Tomorrow is also Monday which means I get to take the strangest pill I’ve ever had to take. It has to be taken first thing before any food or drink as soon as you wake up. You must take it with water and it has to be alone in stomach land for 30 minutes. For those 30 minutes you have to remain standing or sitting upright. No lying down, no other food, drink or pills. Thankfully it breaks up the monotony of my life and gives me a giggle at the same time so I don’t mind it.

My browsing habits have changed in the last week. I’ve always been a right-click-open-in-new-window kind of girl. I loved seeing each of those windows lined up below, I’d tab between them happy as a clam. This has been my method since I joined the intarwebs back in ’95. When tabs were introduced I baulked and I’ve said on numerous occasions that I hated them. Then I discovered Google Reader. I discovered that I could open five or so sites at a time in tabs and just click along updating myself on all the important things in life.

I even find myself using tabs when browsing websites that link to other websites. I feel so dirty.

This visiting Stoat and Mal thing has totally made me crazy. I was feeling the same feelings of apprehension at calling my parents yesterday, I even thought about asking Weasel to tell them I wasn’t feeling well enough to talk. But I made myself do it, I called them and I actually enjoyed some of it and felt better afterwards. So now I have to ask myself if these feelings of apprehension about the visit are something I ought to force myself through so I can remember how fun things can be or do I continue to hibernate at home? Part of the problem is the conversation thing, if I could guarantee that no one would want to talk to me and I could just sit on the sofa and people watch then it would be fine.

This ‘dilemma’ is interesting to me because for years I pushed myself, it was my default setting. I was always making myself do things I didn’t want to do. Then I got sick. This sickness has made me question so much of my basic personality; I feel so lost. The old me would push through these feelings, acknowledging that it is simply fear of the unknown and introducing new things [i.e. changing my routine]. Part of me says that to get back to my old life I need to push through these things. I’m positive that I will be apprehensive about going back to work, so if I can’t push through this now, how will I push through and get to work then?

It seems that my ‘wake up’ time has changed to 10am. No matter how early I manage to get to bed, my body wants to sleep until 10. I went to sleep around 10:30 last night, woke up at 10:17 this morning. I don’t like sleeping that late, it throws my eating off, which throws my pill taking off, my walk… I may not have anything that I have to do, but I prefer walking mid-morning as opposed to mid-afternoon. Only I could find a way to stress about a schedule when I have no schedule. When will I learn to relax?

There’s a website, Glassbooth which can help you find the US presidential candidate that best aligns with your own ideals. I took the quiz, and got matched with someone I’d never even heard of, Mike Gravel. I read through his speech highlights on various issues and my god, the man is awesome. I wish he actually had a chance of becoming president. I know ultimately it will be between Obama and Clinton, so I’m saving my research until I see who actually gets the nomination. Anyway, some highlights from the marvellous Mr Gravel…

On Gay Marriage
“Marriage is a commitment between two human beings in love. And understand me, I’m saying two human beings. They can be heterosexual, they can be two lesbians, they can be transgender, they can be two gays.”

On Abortion
“Any decision on abortion should remain between a woman and her doctor. There is no room for interference from politicians and judges.”

On Iraq
“We made a grave mistake. We should have the courage to admit it. We must bring our troops home now–not six months from now, not a year from now–NOW! The Democrats need to act resolutely–and I’m not talking about some mealy-mouthed, non-binding resolutions.”

On Anti-Terrorism
“Americans think the danger is terrorists. They don’t understand. Terrorists cannot take away habeas corpus, or the bill of rights, or the constitution, they cannot suspend constitutional government, abolish the separation of powers… the terrorists are not anything like the threat we face to the Bill of Rights and the constitution from our own government, in the name of fighting terrorism. Americans just don’t understand that, or at least a majority don’t.”

On Health Care
“Under the single-payer health care voucher plan we would issue vouchers to every single American. Everybody gets the same product universally. And then if you want more than the product you got, you pay for it. There’s no magic in this whole process. Somebody is going to pay. You know who pays, it’s the average American.”

On Immigration
“I also agree that we should put the 10 million or 12 million people that are already here on a path to acquire citizenship. That is probably not the best solution to solve the problem, but it is the most moral solution to solve the problem. And otherwise we damage a number of industries in this country.”

What an awesome man, I’d totally vote for him, offer to have his children and generally be really really impressed by him.