I made a list of all the things that need to be done around the house. My plan was that I’d be able to just pick one every day and gradually work up to cleanliness. Unfortunately, it has just overwhelmed me and made me miss the old me.

I never would have let the house get this messy to begin with. All of the cleaning on my list could have been done in six hours over two days and all would have been well. I cleaned after the gym on Wednesdays and on Friday mornings.

Instead now, I look at this list and realise I’m incapable of doing some of them and others will take me two days if not more. All the windows need washing and the last time I did it it took several hours and it was hard work.

It makes me sad.

Sad makes me feel listless.

Listless brings frustration.

Frustration brings anger.

Anger brings… emptiness.

I can’t be angry at anything to do with this. There was no cause, no higher purpose. It just happened and I have to live with it. The end.

Now I’m just waiting. Waiting to see if my hearing is okay. Waiting to see if my airways can successfully be widened. Waiting to see how much of my old life I can reclaim. Waiting to see if I have the strength of character to do it… waiting to see how much of me is gone forever.

Eleanor and Robin have both talked to me about work and it is not good. The office is moving on the 1st of May. I don’t now how I’m going to get to where the new offices are. I suspect it’ll be at least another two months before I can go back. My requirements were that I could breathe and hear. I don’t think that is unreasonable. It makes me sad that I just wandered away from that part of my life instead of making a decision to leave. I don’t like that I couldn’t control that part. Now I wait.

I see my GP tomorrow. I guess I’ll know where I stand with work then. I won’t get anymore statutory sick pay, so I guess I’m going on incapacity benefit. I hate feeling so useless.

I’m too ill to do the things I want to do and too well to do the things I did when I was very ill.

Nothing is charming or fun anymore.

I’ll feel better tomorrow.