Updated illness page. Good times.

Executive Fergus off to a busy day of mushroom eating sans tiny briefcase:

I adore his serious face. My love of this little dog makes me worry about me occasionally, but I’m going with ‘and it harm none…’. Which looks very strange from a grammatical point-of-view.

Fancy dinner Horatio and I prepared all by ourselves:

This includes steaks* in Dr Pepper Marinade†, Crash Hot Potatoes‡ and Garlic Cheese Mushrooms§.

* The very rare times that I partake of meat – specifically beef – it has to be well done. I cannot bare any pink.

† I found three recipes for it and I sort of mixed them together to get something I was fairly confident we would like. I got to use my specially imported Lawry’s Season Salt too so all was good. The little pot contains the reduced marinade.

‡ Got the recipe from Pioneer Woman Cooks – they are amazing. So yummy.

§ Horatio’s own creation. Lots of garlic, the stems from the mushrooms, some salt and cheese baked right in the mushroom. Tasty.

I also should have said that Horatio and I watched The Taming of the Shrew – the 1960s version with Elizabeth Taylor. I’d mentioned it on the phone before my visit and when it turned out that he hadn’t seen it I had to insist we acquire it.

Weasel’s friend who visited with her while I was gone gave us his old Nintendo Game Cube since he has a Wii now. I’ve been playing Super Mario Sunshine. I’m not as bad at it as I thought I would be. Since the levels aren’t timed I don’t get so stressed. I am not gifted in the gaming department. I’ve also been practising Mario Kart, my Dad got the Wii version for Father’s Day and we’re going to play when we’re all together in November. I need to practice so I don’t humiliate myself too much.

I’ve realised with Weasel gone that my deafness doesn’t bother me in and of itself. What bothers me is being unable to interact with people. I can’t understand what’s happening and that frustrates and embarrasses me. I didn’t go to my Quaker meeting today because the listening device is useless in crowds and I needed Weasel to act as a buffer for me.

So last night Tom Waits, my Dad, my cousin and I were sitting around and Tom was showing off his latest magic trick. It involved wearing a lot of ties and magically moving them to my neck, it was a sight. The problem was that my cousin kept stage whispering to my Dad asking who Tom was. I got really annoyed and I was like, ‘dude this [with pointing gesture] is Tom Waits – he’s right here’. She didn’t seem to get it.

He is quite the magician if you ever get the chance.

My counselling appointment went okay. She actually told me that after some thought she decided that trying to think of good feelings from the past may not be the best thing for me to do anyway because it would just highlight further how much I’ve lost to this illness. So the fact that I couldn’t think of good feelings became moot [cow's opinion].

We also discussed my realisation that it was more about learning to lower the expectations I had of myself and she agreed. So counselling is finished for the moment, if I decide I need further help I can call and make an appointment.

I usually feel 100x better once I’ve realised what my issue/problem is. Then I can work on correcting it.

My current goal is to try to treat me like I would anyone else. To allow myself to be human. Should be interesting.

Doctor’s appointments today went well, saw all three of them and it turns out I will only have one appointment in all of July! I think the last time I had a one appointment month was December 2006 – or maybe even November. I’ll be updating my illness page over the weekend with results of said appointments.

I was reading interview questions [as you do] and one of them intrigued me. It was ‘what you would you dis-invent and why?’. Good question. My answer: cars.

Oh yeah. We’re going to ignore the knock-on effects of a car-less society and just pretend that the world would be as it is now just without cars. Because this is my website and I make the rules.

No noise, no exhaust fumes, no road rage, no waste-of-space roads, no car accidents, no drunk driving…

We would have to figure out another way for people to get around, perhaps hovercraft of some sort. Or personal flying rucksacks like in the futuristic comics from the 50s. Ohh, I know, I want a flying carpet. Sweet.

I’d totally trade cars for flying carpets. All over that like white on rice.

Listening to The Crystal Method makes me think of two things. First, riding around in Dustin’s car in high school. We listened to their first album all the time. Second, the gym. I listened to Legion of Boom regularly. I totally can feel myself on the cross trainer or the rower. God I miss moving. I miss feeling powerful and capable. Get my lungs fixed and I am going to be unstoppable.

Weasel is going off to a fancy networking event for gay nerds tomorrow so I get a day and night by myself. I plan on doing what I always do, it’ll be pretty awesome.

Fergus’s holiday summary

Things he woofed at:

• Horses
• Sheep
• Horatio’s boy bits*
• Three doggies on train platforms
• Cows
• Snack trolleys
• Me in response to questions/comments

* It’s not his fault, he has two mummies; this was a strange and scary new thing.

He got to wear a tie for the first time. He didn’t have his tiny briefcase at the time.

It was a good thing I took his mushroom with us so he didn’t get lonely when Mama Ezekiel and Papa Horatio went into the bedroom for recreational activities.

Things Horatio and I watched:

• The Stand
  Interesting, but filled with plot holes. I would watch it again.
• Stand by Me
  Boy chick-flick. Would not watch again. Questions such as ‘why did they want the kid’s body in the first place?’ plague me. I’m filthy so I figrue it was some sort of group sex activitiy or maybe for eating.
• QI
  Season C and some of season D. I love it, Stephen Fry is wonderful and I find the whole thing hilarious.

We also played Lemmings on his Playstation 3 [PS3?]. Good fun. I think we worked well as a team. Mostly I would figure out how to solve it then fail utterly at putting it into practice so I’d explain to him what I was trying to do and he’d manage it. He probably figured things out too but kept quiet so I’d feel better about myself.

We cooked some wonderful foods, I have pictures to share once Horatio sends them to me. I’ll talk more about the food then.

We flew a kite rather unsuccessfully too. We blame the kite for being cheap and the wind for being gusty. It would float up and then the wind would die and it would fall. Over and over again.

The visit was a complete success except for my manic cleaning. I hope to go back again in August. Hopefully after I’ve acquired a disabled rail card because £65 for my ticket and £12.50 for Weasel’s was expensive.

I had the chance to look at my counsellor’s advice sheet about how to grow my self esteem and I fall down at the first step. I am to think of a time I ‘felt really good about myself, in control and ready for anything’. I always feel in control and ready for anything. I am the ultimate control freak. When I am not in control my first step is to find out if I am okay with the lapse [I usually am because I controlled the process to getting out of control] and if I am not I work out how to get things back into my control. The problem is I’ve never felt good about myself. I don’t feel pride in the things I do – I just think about how I could have done better. I never meet my expectations about myself.

This isn’t a new thing, when I was about 10 I entered into a music festival and got a 98/100 and I cried. My Mom had to tell me to stop because I was upsetting the other children who still had to go in. I slept through my sophomore year and I still managed to maintain a 3.5 GPA.

One of my counsellors who treated my first bout of depression told me I needed to lower my expectations of other people, I managed to do that but I haven’t figured out how to lower them for myself. I’m not allowed to do less. My way of dealing with the ‘shortcomings’ of others? Making myself fill in the gaps.

Expecting perfection means you spend your whole life failing.

Anyway, the sheets go on to tell me that I should think of this good time whenever bad thoughts come into my head. So I’m not to explore these negative experiences and come to terms with them, I’m to pretend they don’t exist. That’s a healthy way to deal with problems eh? Denial!

So tomorrow’s appointment should be interesting.

I have a bug bit or a rash on my back that I cannot reach so I ask Weasel to rub it [not scratch] before she puts the anti-itch cream on and I swear to god getting it rubbed is better than sex. I get to mention it to my vasculitis doctors on Friday because WG is known to cause rashes and I want to be sure it isn’t anything serious.

P.S. Title comes from a fruit stand at a Whistlestop in a train station. It made me laugh.

I clearly need help. I deliberately planned to arrive here Thursday night so I could spend Friday resting. Then I could guarantee at least one good day with Horatio while I’m here.

So he leaves for work and what do I do? I sweep and mop the kitchen floor. I told myself it would be the only thing I’d do, it was just gross. Then I ate breakfast and went for a walk. When I got back I decided to have lunch. I couldn’t cook in the kitchen it was not clean. So I wiped down the sides, the kettle, the toaster, the stove and oven [even on the inside], washed the dishes and scrubbed the sink.

I made lunch. For some reason the smoke alarm was offended by my stopping cooking so it went off after the fact. I had to call Horatio at work because I didn’t know how to turn off the bloody alarm. Got it, watched two episodes of the American version of Who’s Line it is anyway? [not half as good as the British version] over lunch.

Then I noticed that the carpet could be vacuumed so of course I did it. Then I vacuumed the sofa cushions too. Then I vacuumed the hallway and bathroom for good measure.

What the hell is wrong with me? I had one thing to do today: rest. Why I have I cleaned half of Horatio’s flat instead?

I really want to wash his coffee table and computer desk, but I’m not letting me.

Sick sick sick.

I have got to think of a way to validate my existence that doesn’t involve a sponge or a vacuum.

The fact that I’m here tells you that the train ride went okay. Thankfully I could hear the train announcements even without my listening device. I got to my station no problems and met Horatio and we travelled on no problem. It wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be. I definitely needed the help with my bag, I wouldn’t have been able to do it on my own.

It is now Saturday. I’ve had all my joints complaining at me today, I presume about the work I did yesterday. I haven’t been able to walk so far and my hips are very grumpy. We’ve just been watching old episodes of QI that I haven’t seen before; hilarious.

Horatio and I are still trying to find our rhythm together again. We haven’t had more than eight hours together since last September. I feel guilty about how much I need to rest so I keep pushing myself because I think he’ll think I’m boring or something. Plus because I’m in a different place I am all manic and adrenaline filled. I suspect that tomorrow or Monday I am going to crash impressively and have to spend a day in bed. Not Monday I hope because I have to be on trains home then.

Gah my brain is moving too fast and some combination on Horatio’s unfamiliar keyboard means I keep deleting paragraphs. I have no idea what I’m pushing, but since I do not wish to anger it further I am going to stop here.

Weasel and I went to our first Quaker Meeting yesterday. It was disappointing in some ways and great in others. I think the battery in my listening device was going so I couldn’t hear very well and the social bit at the end had so much background noise I couldn’t make out anything. I was also nervous that I appeared rude when really I just couldn’t hear.

The whole meeting is just sitting in silence for an hour. Waiting for … whatever you feel you’re waiting for. Jesus, God, Buddha, enlightenment whatever. My problem is that my whole life is silence at the moment so it didn’t feel different in that regard. What was different was having 40 other people in the room being silent too. I counted. There were only 11 men.

If one is moved by the spirit one can speak, one lady spoke about Celtic prayers and some other things I couldn’t hear.

My thoughts kept jumping all over the place. At one point I used the word ‘bloody’ and my brain thought about how some people think it is a swear word of the highest order and I decided it was more in line with ‘bollocks’. Then I wondered if David Beckham had ‘golden boots’ or ‘golden balls’. I decided that it was balls, but in an effort to keep him family friendly everyone went with boots. Then I started thinking about Posh Spice and ended up with ‘If you wanna be my lover’ playing in my head. I moved on to one of the counsellors at the mental health centre I went to around Halloween in 1997 dressing up as a Spice Girl – she had a bottle of All Spice on a string round her neck. Then I thought of the ice candles we made there and wondered what happened to mine.

I also had a Chantal Kreviazuk song ['Don't Be Good'] and a Faithless song ['Bring My Family Back'] go through.

I thought about my loss of compassion and sympathy. I thought about how angry I was at ‘god’ or whoever is up there for ignoring me. I went to church growing up, I read the scriptures, I prayed I did everything I could and I didn’t feel or hear ‘him’ in the way everyone else seemed to. ‘He’ is just as big a hypocrite as the people I was supposed to be learning with. I don’t know if I do feel it and it just feels different to other people so I haven’t tied them together yet?

Thus why the Quakers are appealing, there is no one god or denomination – it is all about the peace and love. I’m giving this a go, I need something good to happen in my life. I’ll miss next week because I’m going to visit Horatio, but I’ll go the week after.

Today I woke up feeling just as lost and apathetic as always and decided I didn’t like it. So I tidied up the lounge, made bread, vacuumed the stairs and walked to Mal’s office. I didn’t let myself slow down or stop. I was so angry I wasn’t going to let my body be in charge.

I still felt angry and listless at the end, but I had some control. So I’ve decided that I’m going to push again. I’m going to decide what I want to do and I’m going to make it happen. If I have to rest for two days after that’s fine, I cannot keep living in this limbo.

I also decided I’m going to start singing every day. In a structured way with warm-ups.

The cleaners couldn’t make it last week so they’re coming tonight at 5 for the first go. I’ve got a list put together, I don’t know how much they can do it two hours. I’m excited to have a cleaner house with no effort from me.

I’m so tired of being so angry. I want to let it go and move on please.

I can now tell you officially that I have moderate hearing loss moving into severe in the lower range. My left ear is better than my right in the upper range, but the difference is such that loss can be described as equal in both ears.

The best fix for the moment is hearing aids. I’m getting a volume control model with different sound packages pre-programmed in. So if I’m listening to headphones I can have one programme, if I’m listening to TV I can have another, if I’m in a crowded place I can make it directional. They took moulds of my ears and I’ll go back to get them in four to six weeks.

The moulds themselves reminded me rather of our lord Jesus* Smurfs and tampons. Smurfs because the putty they use is blue. Tampon because they put this foam stopper in my ear with strings attached before inserting the putty. The end result was not unlike having a tampon made of Smurf sitting in my ears for five minutes.

* This is my third Eddie Izzard quote today! When we finished at the hospital we started walking home and the weather decided we needed stopping. So we called a taxi and I got to mention the sharks of Lake Wembley. This was from his Sexie tour, but our live show rather than the DVD [which sucked compared to the live show by the way]. My other one was in the taxi but I cannot remember what it was at this point. I only remember because at the time I said to Weasel that it was my second Eddie quote of the day.

I made up for my missed walk later in the afternoon. I went to the local library. There were a few things I’d like to go back for, but it was just fun knowing I could go. The other excellent thing is that on the way home I found a very local Quaker Meeting House. I’ve been missing religion lately and I don’t want to open a huge can of worms, I just want to be somewhere with the express purpose of exploring my spirituality. Weasel and I have discussed it before and we think that Quakerism may be an option. We might go this Sunday or next.

I got an e-mail from the Democrats Abroad thingy what’s it and they announced a picnic/firework display at one of the US air bases nearby. I’ve put the idea to Mal and she’s going to check with the others, but with luck I may well get to celebrate the 4th of July, properly with fireworks! I love fireworks, of course anyone who read my New Year’s Eve entry knows that.

It’ll be interesting to be among my fellow Americans too.

You know the wonderful six boxes of Dots my aunt sent? One fell off my desk last night and fell on the power strip that powers our computers. Everything turned off and chaos ensued. Weasel had her flight sim open at the time and it kept crashing every time she opened after that. I felt very bad which made her feel bad so there was a lot of upset. Thankfully the wonderful Mish was able to troubleshoot with her and everything is okay now. Phew.

And since no one had a guess about the line from the musical, I shall tell you: Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Probably my favourite musical of all time. Ever. I adore it. During the barn raising Frank gets hit on the head with a 2×4 and when Adam asks him what’s wrong he replies that it was ‘just a little dizzy spell’. So much love.