Waking up really sucks. Invariably I spend the first few minutes trying desperate to get back to sleep. Then I start getting pain messages from all quarters. Finally my bladder will join in and I’ll have to get up. I cannot see the joy of getting up at the minute. I used to wake up very well, I adored mornings. Now? I just want to not have to live my life as it is currently.

I went to counselling again today.

I was talking about my walk to Mal’s offices the other day and how I usually had two ‘voices’ pip up. The first would say something like, ‘wow! 1.5 hours walking! you totally did it, well done!’ then immediately – or even at the same time – I’d get another one ‘god, you used to walk into town, do a pile of shopping and walk home again – in three hours. you suck!’

So now I’m to work on my poor self-esteem. I’ve always had poor self-esteem. It runs in my family I think.

I was trying to think of things that make me feel good about myself. She said it couldn’t be cleaning or anything like that. I have no idea what to do. What does anyone do to feel good about themselves?

One thing that struck me, I was telling her about the collapse of my employer and said I was unemployed. I realised then how much I hate having that describe me. I have been working since I was 15-years-old – I started baby-sitting at 12. Unemployed is not me.

I am sick and tired of seeing the ‘first’ comments showing up on every fucking website in response to every bloody post. I don’t mind if the comment continues, but one word? What the hell are these people thinking? They just look so completely stupid to me. Idiots.

God damn it I need something positive to happen.

I’ve been reading Blind Faith by Ben Elton and I’ve got a question. The book is set in the future following a climate change induced flood. Faith leads all and laws are made by a majority ruling in Wembley Arena – ‘the will of the people’. They decided that vaccinations were bad – playing god. Treating diseases is still okay, it is a reaction to god’s will, not preventing god’s will. As a result, 50% of children die before they’re 5-years-old – from preventable diseases.

Part of the propaganda they use is to tell people that before the flood babies died even more. They counted from the moment of conception instead of the moment of birth. So if someone had a miscarriage, abortion or still birth it counted as an infant death.

It made me recall the article, When fears hurt from Junkfood Science. The thought struck me that none of the alleged risks of inoculation are worse than death. So by not vaccinating their children they are basically saying that their child potentially getting autism is worse than their kid dying. Even though science has proved that the vaccination does not cause autism.

I’m just mad that they would prefer their children to die than be different.