Weasel and I went to our first Quaker Meeting yesterday. It was disappointing in some ways and great in others. I think the battery in my listening device was going so I couldn’t hear very well and the social bit at the end had so much background noise I couldn’t make out anything. I was also nervous that I appeared rude when really I just couldn’t hear.

The whole meeting is just sitting in silence for an hour. Waiting for … whatever you feel you’re waiting for. Jesus, God, Buddha, enlightenment whatever. My problem is that my whole life is silence at the moment so it didn’t feel different in that regard. What was different was having 40 other people in the room being silent too. I counted. There were only 11 men.

If one is moved by the spirit one can speak, one lady spoke about Celtic prayers and some other things I couldn’t hear.

My thoughts kept jumping all over the place. At one point I used the word ‘bloody’ and my brain thought about how some people think it is a swear word of the highest order and I decided it was more in line with ‘bollocks’. Then I wondered if David Beckham had ‘golden boots’ or ‘golden balls’. I decided that it was balls, but in an effort to keep him family friendly everyone went with boots. Then I started thinking about Posh Spice and ended up with ‘If you wanna be my lover’ playing in my head. I moved on to one of the counsellors at the mental health centre I went to around Halloween in 1997 dressing up as a Spice Girl – she had a bottle of All Spice on a string round her neck. Then I thought of the ice candles we made there and wondered what happened to mine.

I also had a Chantal Kreviazuk song ['Don't Be Good'] and a Faithless song ['Bring My Family Back'] go through.

I thought about my loss of compassion and sympathy. I thought about how angry I was at ‘god’ or whoever is up there for ignoring me. I went to church growing up, I read the scriptures, I prayed I did everything I could and I didn’t feel or hear ‘him’ in the way everyone else seemed to. ‘He’ is just as big a hypocrite as the people I was supposed to be learning with. I don’t know if I do feel it and it just feels different to other people so I haven’t tied them together yet?

Thus why the Quakers are appealing, there is no one god or denomination – it is all about the peace and love. I’m giving this a go, I need something good to happen in my life. I’ll miss next week because I’m going to visit Horatio, but I’ll go the week after.

Today I woke up feeling just as lost and apathetic as always and decided I didn’t like it. So I tidied up the lounge, made bread, vacuumed the stairs and walked to Mal’s office. I didn’t let myself slow down or stop. I was so angry I wasn’t going to let my body be in charge.

I still felt angry and listless at the end, but I had some control. So I’ve decided that I’m going to push again. I’m going to decide what I want to do and I’m going to make it happen. If I have to rest for two days after that’s fine, I cannot keep living in this limbo.

I also decided I’m going to start singing every day. In a structured way with warm-ups.

The cleaners couldn’t make it last week so they’re coming tonight at 5 for the first go. I’ve got a list put together, I don’t know how much they can do it two hours. I’m excited to have a cleaner house with no effort from me.

I’m so tired of being so angry. I want to let it go and move on please.