Weasel and I had words this morning. I got up to get ready for our Quaker meeting and she told me she was tired and didn’t want to go. I explained how it was important to force oneself sometimes for the greater good. We exchanged more words and I went off to get ready. Meanwhile, she got dressed and up. I was ready 10 minutes early and she explained that it wasn’t just tiredness, but that she just wasn’t in a church-y mood. I said that was cool, I only wanted her there because of my hearing issues. I’m afraid people will say something from the side or behind me and I’ll seem to be ignoring them. And I want these people to like me so I don’t want to be rude, I like having her there to buffer and explain that I’m hard of hearing.

I’d had the thought last night that it might be fun to go to the leisure centre since it is fairly close to the meeting house. I haven’t been to a restaurant since September 2007 so I wanted to see how I’d do. I decided not to go because I wanted the experience to be a happy celebratory type thing.

So with five minutes before I had to go she went off to get ready and come with me. Because I walk so slow I had to leave before her. I got to the meeting right on time and she was 10 minutes late but we got there and it was a good meeting.

We had more words afterwards and I think we both understand much better where the other was coming from. We walked up to the leisure centre where I saw that the video rental place has closed and a bar. There’s still one unit standing empty. But we’re not in a recession. We settled down in the Mexican restaurant and got yummy virgin cocktails. We got a platter of yummy things and some quesadillas to share. I was slightly disappointed with the quesadillas this time, but only because I’ve made them at home and the ones I make are better. That was an awesome feeling. We shared a waffle ice cream thingy for dessert and it made me long even more for a waffle iron. I’d really love to explore the world of savoury waffles. It was all delicious and the place was very quiet and I enjoyed myself thoroughly.

I am pleased to know that I can get to the leisure centre and home again fairly painlessly. This gives me more options for where I can walk. I’m hoping to go to the cinema after I get my hearing aids. I’ve missed going out. We didn’t go out often, maybe once a month, but I haven’t been out and enjoyed myself in months.

I was thinking recently about European kissing. The friendly greeting/goodbye kiss on the cheek people give when they’re fond of you. I’ve lived here for nearly nine years and I still haven’t figured out how to accept these kisses gracefully. I’m never sure where to turn my head, if I ought to just hold steady and be kissed or if I ought to try to turn my head and give a kiss while receiving it. How do people learn this? Doesn’t help that I’m generally socially awkward.

Yesterday Weasel asked me to show her the ball exercises to work her abs and back. I love playing on the ball so this was no problem. I showed her back extensions and crunches. Then ‘killer’, ‘superman’, leg lifts and a few options for the side muscles. She had a hard time because she hasn’t worked her muscles in a year [since I got sick]. I’ve been doing stuff for about two months I think. Just back extensions and crunches because I cannot do the rest yet.

The interesting thing to me was that although I’ve been reading a lot about diets, fat, exercise, scientific studies – learning that health comes in every size and correlation is not causation. All of that has been so interesting and fascinating to me. But I found myself falling into the socially conditioned thinking. Weasel is thin, she must be fit and healthy. I am fat, she must be fitter than me. People looking at us would assume she is fitter than me. I’ve realised now so I will shake off my conditioning. She’s done very well this week introducing exercise into her life and I’m so proud of her.

At last week’s meeting, as well as the thoughts on prayer I thought about my fear of learning. Since I’ve been sick I haven’t touched my counselling course. I’m scared. I think I am using the steroids as an excuse for my own stupidity. I am not intelligent, I take ages to grasp a new concept and the steroids have simply given me a tangible excuse to pass along to others. Why am I scared of learning? I cannot even bring myself to touch my binders.

I have a plan, I’m going to review the course work I’ve already finished. My comprehension is so dismal at the moment. I read things, I know the words but I cannot get the sentences to mean anything to me. I often find my thoughts wandering while I’m reading and I have to back up and try again. I don’t remember what I’ve read and I lose the thread so quickly. But I don’t think this is new or just the steroids. I’ve always had a hard time with this. Horatio suggested it is learning styles. I have always been very good at reading. I was crap at listening to lectures and getting anything out of it. He suggested that it might be experience that works best for me. It makes sense given what I used to do at my job. And when I was leaning HTML etc. I love pressing the buttons to see what happens.

But none of that changes the fact that I can’t reach over and pick up my binder. All three are within 10 inches from my computer monitor so they sit there mocking me all day.

I guess part of it is my general instability at the moment. I have no idea who I am. I have no idea where I’m going. I have no plan. My whole life stopped and I don’t know how to start it again.

So I’m going to make a cake tomorrow.