Wednesday Weasel woke me up at 8:30 saying Stoat was on the phone; did I want to go to the seaside with him and Doodle? I agreed, had a quick breakfast and shower and they came to collect me. The drive there was long, Doodle and I passed the time with a cross word puzzle. We went to the old part of town first and walked along the coast enjoying the sights and smells of the sea [bliss]. We got back in the car and drove to an older bit with a fish & chip shop where we had lunch. Doodle and I each got a toasted sandwich and a bowl of chips to share. Being a fish & chip shop, I assumed that the white granulated substance on our table was in fact salt and applied it accordingly to our chips. After I thought they tasted strange for a while Doodle finally asked if it was actually sugar. That explained the sweetness. We put salt on the remaining chips. Verdict? Sugar chips not that bad.

We walked along the coast again after lunch. I got to see a crab run away from a seagull into the sea. We passed a herd of painters. A tower with an interesting garden. Accused some seagulls of lording over the rest of us from lofty perches. Took a photo of a sign after I said the acronym ‘FFSC’ must mean ‘For fuck’s sake children’. That made us giggle.

We drove to a farm shop and bought a gorgeous chocolate fudge cake and headed over to see Nan [Mal's Mum]. We got to surprise her suitably. We talked a bit and had cake* – when Stoat asked if Doodle and I wanted another piece I said I did if Doodle did. I’m so good at passing the buck. We drove home after that, I fell asleep 20 minutes into the ride, I was completely exhausted.

* I so want to be able to make cakes like that some day. It was so light, so soft, so moist… beautiful. I’m going to get around to that Victoria sponge cake soon. I’ll also get around to granola again soon too. Good god this week has been long and hard [tee hee].

I actually can’t remember much of yesterday because the weekend coupled with my day out had drained all my resources. This teaches me two things: 1) I cannot yet even consider work as it would be an every day thing and I can barely manage a few days in a row of fun things and 2) my lungs like to trick me. Sometimes when I wake up or if I’ve been sitting quietly for a while I’ll begin to think that actually I feel pretty okay, maybe I should try to do more. Then I do something and that goes out the window.

My poor little Weasel is broken. Sad. A few years ago she had an issue with her urethra narrowing she had to have a surgery and it was awful. Yesterday she told me it was narrowing again, so we went to see a doctor today. I’m hoping we’ll be able to dilate it again on our own instead of having to have surgery, but we won’t know until she sees a urologist. Poor Weasel. Really though, I should have seen this coming, she loves BlanketGirl and I and what better way to support us in our illnesses than to combine effects of both? I have narrowing in my lungs and BlanketGirl has IC so Weasel totally just wants to join our club. She’s good like that.

I bought a cast iron reversible griddle a few weeks ago. I finally got around to seasoning it tonight and I christened it with quesadillas. They turned out beautifully and the skilled performed to perfection. I plan on making French toast, pancakes, grilled cheese sandwiches and pretty much anything else that I might have fried before. I think the next time I do quesadillas I’m going to use the stripy side instead of the flat one.

I don’t think Debbie works as well when I’m sleepy. That explains this one and the one before. Go me.

It is a curious thing when I want to write a Debbie, but I can only think of one thing to say. The question then becomes, do I write about that one thing over several paragraphs and really stretch my point or do I save it and put it in with a pile of other ideas that eventually show up? I usually save it, but last week I fleshed it out. Writing was easier when I was living.

Last Friday was Tori’s 45th birthday and I wanted to talk about her here but I didn’t have anything to report otherwise. Plus, I doubt any of you care. What is my goal in noting it? This is my journal, I obviously wanted to talk about it, but why? What more can I say?

In other news, I visited Horatio. Quickly:

• Thursday: Got train no problem. Weasel dropped me off at the station and Horatio met me in Peterborough. We had lovely pasta upon our arrival. Talked lots and generally bonded.

• Friday: Horatio went to work. I walked up to a shop and bought him a mop. I called my parents in the afternoon. We had tasty pizza. We watched Hellboy; it was not good. We were going to go to the cinema on Saturday but the only thing we could even consider was Hellboy II so we thought we should see the first one. In the end we decided not to go at all.
• Saturday: We went into the city centre. I was really excited, I haven’t been into a city in almost a year. I was not prepared for how overwhelming it was. I couldn’t make enough sense of it to buy anything so I didn’t. We rode the bus there and walked back. It was tiring, but very nice to know I could do it.
• Sunday: Horatio’s Mum came at 11:30 and we had many gifts thrust upon us. She was much friendly than I have ever known her to be. We went out to lunch [my second time in a restaurant in a year!], details below. On our return she sat with me and taught me how to play Cribbage against Horatio. It was very fun and the conversation flowed throughout and I think it was successful. We watched Cloverfield [good but I was a little disappointed] and Ghost Rider [better than I thought it would be, rather enjoyed it] in the evening and ate cookies.
• Monday: Had train time issues, was going to get the 11am but decided I didn’t want to leave that early. Settled on the 1pm one only to have our taxi get stuck in a jam. So got the 2pm train and got home and settled by 6pm.

Sunday’s Lunch: our reservation wasn’t until 1 so we parked and walked up the canal. It was gorgeous, we got to watch a long boat go through a lock and played with neat exploding plants. Lunch was amazing, we shared three starters: Slashed garlic bread with spring onions, oregano and sour cream, Garlic field mushrooms on polenta ‘bruschetta’, toasted pine nuts & sage and Buffalo mozzarella, roasted red onion & plum tomatoes, basil & balsamic vinegar. So very yummy. The latter was my favourite. For mains I had Buffalo mozzarella, roasted red onion & plum tomatoes, basil & balsamic vinegar with extra cheese and Deep fried courgette & parmesan fritters. It was wonderful. I never would have thought of putting a fried egg on a pizza but it was excellent.

Weasel and I spent Monday evening watching the closing ceremony for the Olympics. The London bus presentation for the handover for the 2012 Olympics was awesome. We decided we would volunteer in 2012 to get access to places and have some reflected glory and be involved.

I figured out why my sleeping was shagged last week. I was on a temporary increase of steroids, 30mg up from my usual 5mg. Insomnia is a very common side-effect of steroids and I’m just an idiot who didn’t connect the dots. I’ve slept fine for the last three nights and I’m sure I’ll be fine now.

While I was gone I got the letter, my next dilation is 23rd September.

My 10 year high school reunion is next year. My Mom works with one of my classmates so he asks her to tell me about things like the page on FaceBook. I like spying on people from the distance so I joined. Seeing some people listed there brought back a surprising bit of anger. I didn’t think I cared about any of it anymore, but I’m angry that people who were hypocritical and mean have had such success.

But we all knew I was all bitter and hate filled so that’s nothing new.

On Friday I had possibility. I let myself get my hopes up, despite my best efforts. I have always preferred being surprised over disappointed. I have three spots of narrowing in my lungs – the first is before the airways branch off into each lung [narrowing A], the second is in the upper right lobe [B] and the third is into the lower right [C].

In May C was a pinhead – 2.5mm which they managed to dilate under general anaesthetic to 10mm. So for this bronchoscopy and dilation we had three possibilities:

• C stayed open and just needed treated with some any scar-tissue spray, so one or both of the other spots could be opened at the same time.
• C closed, but it could be opened and sprayed and still have a chance to do one of the others.
• C closed, it is dilated and sprayed.

I was obviously hoping for option 1. A little too much truth me told. I am so desperate to breathe. I want to ride my bicycle. Walk faster and further. Talk without having to stop for a breath. I’d be able to start Yogalates properly.

Turns out we got option 3 instead. Because this one was under sedation instead of general anaesthetic they couldn’t do as much so I only got 5mm for spot C now. I haven’t made any progress really. I’m due to go back in for another go under general anaesthetic sometime in September.

I feel so stupid, I knew that there was a greater than 50% chance that the spot would narrow again, I even suspected it over the last few weeks. I just wanted it so desperately.

I’ve been coughing a lot since then. I’m better in that I’ve only vomited once. But I’ve had horrible cough headaches and my sleeping is shot. I don’t think I’ll ever stop trying to be like I used to be.

I’m not the only one having lousy health news. BlanketGirl has been diagnosed with fibromyalgia now too. It sucks so much that she’s going through this and I wish I could do something to help. I’ll be speaking with her tonight so I guess I’ll know how she’s doing then. It just breaks my heart watching her suffer so much.

Remember how Horatio’s Mum hated me? How she met me three times in person and had no other interactions but decided that I was just awful? How she once refused to come into her house because I was in it? Since Horatio moved out last October she has decided that maybe I’m not so bad after all. I’m not sure what brought the change of heart, but I am nervous of it. She has invited Horatio and I to lunch on Sunday [I'm visiting him from Thursday to Monday]. I want to go because I want to have peace between us for Horatio’s sake, but I am scared. I am not at my most resilient at the moment and I’m not sure I’ll be equipped to deal with any meanness.

Last night Weasel and I watched the first episode of season one of The Closer. I enjoyed it very much, I think Weasel did too. Unfortunately, for their first episode they decided to touch on some issues Weasel is very passionate about and we got into a discussion following. I finally realised what my ‘problem’ is: hate, bias and judgement are so far outside what I consider to be ‘normal’ behaviour that I am surprised when others display these qualities.

I don’t care what other people do, who they do it with or how they do it. You want to lop off your left foot and fashion a hat out of it? More power to you. Want to shag three men, six women and finish off with a 10-hour masturbation session all while watching shellfish footage? Go for it.

So I am baffled when people kill someone because they’re gay. I’m also baffled when McCain says that he is pro-life but anti gay adoption. He wants to force all sorts of people who don’t want children to have them. So logically they would end up being raised by the state and hopefully adopted. But he has blocked the most logical group for adoption from doing it! Gay people cannot make babies by mistake, so you know that any child they have is desperately wanted. Isn’t that an amazing thought? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if every single child born was wanted?

I’m afraid I’ve been having a few very quiet days, trying not to move for fear of coughing. Watching the Olympics [Go Team GB!!!]. I’ve been in my head a lot, wondering what I can do about all this social anger I have. I feel so impotent.

In work news, I found a redundancy helpline and I have the forms coming to me. If all goes well, I should get over £1400 lump sum from the company folding. I plan on using it to buy clothes. I’m a completely different size now and nothing fits properly anymore. I intend to make use of Debenham’s personal shopper service. Must find out if M&S or John Lewis have such a thing. Or maybe I’ll find a stylist separately. The rest will go into savings.

… said Digory. Weasel very kindly read to me from The Magician’s Nephew last night before bed a few nights ago. We were enjoying the Witch’s evil antics when Digory came out with that gem. Weasel and I have been saying it to each other with great glee, I’m hoping it’ll become a mainstay.

Just so you know, I’m afraid of moths.

Tuesday was a little crazy for me. I got to meet two other women with WG. It was wonderful to have the chance. We met on a vasculitis mailing list for UK types. It was so wonderful to meet someone else who has it, I didn’t have to explain anything and we were able to compare symptoms and treatments. They were really wonderful. I get to meet another man from the group tomorrow before my dilation treatment. It has been so wonderful to put faces to names and have another source of support.

One of my favourite Chantal Kreviazuk songs is Wayne. I have tried eight times to write out why it moves me and I have failed miserably. It gives me hope I think. I love that even if it takes ‘a couple of years’ they will be reunited. The idea of love being unbreakable. And who doesn’t love cotton candy in hot air balloons?

I’m clearly doing better with the aids, I forgot it was there and tried to scratch my ear through it. Good god that hurt. On the plus side, I’ve been able to listen to the Olympics in the background. And I can hear the rain on the window. Bliss. Weasel has enjoyed not having to shout as much. My lovely wind chime makes the most beautiful low notes in the wind. I’ve loved being able to hear it in the kitchen and lounge. Weasel said she could hear it in the bedroom last night too, I don’t have the aids at night so I couldn’t.

I made trigs’s cupcakes this week. While the cakes themselves tasted alright, I don’t think they were as yummy as others I have had, so I shall keep looking. The other problem is that my new, supposedly non-stick, silicone cupcake tray was not so non-stick. The cakes stuck very well. In fact we had to wash it twice to get all the bits of cake off. I also thought I’d cheat with the icing this time and melt those blocks of icing. It was too runny melted and by the time it was firm enough to spread it was too firm to spread. There was a six second window for the ultimate icing experience and I missed it. So lesson learned, I shall keep on trying to perfect my icing while I work on my cakes. My next cake attempt will be a Victoria sponge. Weasel loves them a great deal.

I was talking with Horatio last night and he said something that finally got through to me. I shouldn’t worry about whether I’m harming his future because it is his. He is a grown-up and he is capable of making his own decisions. If and when he decides that he needs to move on he will. Until then he is happy with me and I am happy with him so there is no reason for me to keep fretting. I think a lot of it is that I love him so much and I think he would be wonderful husband and father and I want to make sure he has those chances.

I followed some links around some blogs like I do the other day and something has been bothering me. One woman was very adamant that gay people should not be allowed – let alone allowed to be married because the bible says it is wrong and she believes in the bible. That’s cool with me, everyone is allowed their beliefs. What bothers me though is that she seems to believe that government laws should be made according to her personal beliefs and not to cater to the huge range of diverse people that live in any country. I don’t believe in the bible, so why should I be controlled by its laws?

Why are these people having such a huge logic disconnect? Let’s say that I believed that all dogs should wear trousers – it is a cornerstone of my religion. Should there be a law made to stop naked dogs just because I think it is wrong? No. Absolutely not. I am free to put trousers on my dogs and I can be sad that other people are so blind, but in the end I have to respect their desire to have a free and naked dog.

Governments should be unbiased and try to guarantee everyone’s freedom as best they can. Probably why I am increasingly leaning towards the libertarian principles and parties. From Wikipedia:

The central tenet of libertarianism is the principle of liberty. To libertarians, an individual human being is sovereign over his body, extending to life, and liberty. Libertarians define liberty as being completely free in action, whilst not initiating force or fraud against the life, liberty or property of another human being. Thomas Jefferson stated, “Rightful liberty is unobstructed action according to our will within limits drawn around us by the equal rights of others.” Jefferson also said “No man has a natural right to commit aggression on the equal rights of another, and this is all from which the laws ought to restrain him.” These concepts are otherwise known as the law of equal liberty or the non-aggression principle.

Emphasis mine. Non-aggression totally works with me and fits in nicely with the Quaker ideals [peace] I’m trying to learn. I know this is often linked with anarchy, but I’m not for no government, I’m for a government that fears its people, one that strives to make the lives of its citizens better.

I did think of one verb use of beaver: ‘I have been beavering away on this report.’ Meaning working of course. Mish and Horatio’s Mum support Horatio’s assertion that it is a regional thing. I still think it sounds wrong and if anyone offered to beaver me I don’t think I’d accept.

Last week I had a friend request from a man on MySpace. I don’t usually add people I don’t ‘know’. I perfer to have it be an accurate representation of my actual social network. I also don’t like everyone knowing my business. Anyway, he requested and as usual I at least when to check his page out. He loves god and children and our only common thread is that we both have WG. Nothing else.

So I replied, politely I thought, and said that it was kind of him to offer the friend request but I preferred to keep it to people I knew. His reply was all huffy. Which to me just confirms that we weren’t meant to be friends. Anyone who really wanted to be friends – not someone who was just trying to up their friend number on the most tenuous link possible – would have replied and said well let’s get to know each other. Shared something of himself and asked about me. I doubt he would have wanted to be friends with me once he got to know me anyway. Me being the left leaning lesbian and all.

Which actually brings us nicely to our next topic of discussion. BlanketGirl was at an event recently and had a man approach her and ask if I was a lesbian. She replied in the affirmative and he went on to explain that the WG was my punishment for my homosexuality. So now I’m tempted to write the WG list and ask how many of them are big queermos so we can hang out in sin together. I’m excited to be able to let my doctors know that I have learned the cause of my WG. Also if I have mis-remembered any of this my sincere apologies to BlanketGirl and hope she can correct me post-haste.

So the opening ceremony of the Olympics was on Friday. They started at 1pm here and since I had to call my parents at 3 I elected to record them and watch later. Weasel and I started around 8pm. Oh. My. God. They did such a wonderful job. I couldn’t believe the sheer scale of it all. 2008 drummers were amazing, doing the countdown in perfect unison. There were wonderful performances, some even featuring the zithers – that wonderful instrument that Weasel and I want. My only disappointment was with the commentators. I tuned them out after a while. They were so condescending to the Chinese people. I think the Chinese have done an amazing job with the whole thing and I can only wish them all the best. Seeing athletes from all 204 countries was amazing too. Obviously Weasel and I are rooting for Great Britain, secondly the US and Ireland with half an eye on Australia and Canada too.

On Saturday we went over to see Weasel’s family to celebrate Stoat’s 61st birthday. We had a wonderful time, we watched a fair amount of gymnastics on TV, played several games, ate delicious food and had a lovely physics lesson from Weasel. The tip of it was the celebration cookie – Doodle came up with, ‘Age is not a number, but 61 is.’ Made us all laugh. The cookie was sooo good, best we’ve had in ages. I’m tempted to ice my cookies the next time I make some. It was a near perfect outing.

I went off to my Quaker meeting today. I wrote:

If I don’t believe in god – what am I doing here? God seems to illogical.

I want to believe. I am waiting for proof? Message to the contrary? Show me I am wrong god! What and awful way to start a relationship. Challenging.

How do I let my doubt and suspicion go clear the way to potential enlightenment?

Have I simply let myself be hurt by too many Christians? I only know scripture and religion the Mormon way – how to lean alternatives?

Every week of silence makes me more angry. Why won’t he talk to me? I must let that anger go.

I’m beginning to ask question like, ‘how long do I give this before I give up?’ This was only my fifth meeting so I’ll be going for a while yet. But my first question is relevant, I’m supposed to be waiting in expectant silence for the light within. I haven’t found/felt any light yet, I really want to though.

To be completely honest, I’m not sure if I don’t believe in god. I might. I’m open to the idea. I’m open to pretty much any idea.

A big part of why I am attending these meeting is that I want to develop a community. I get very nervous of social situations and my instinct after this meeting was to get out ASAP. They hadn’t even got the tea/coffee trays out when I left. I hate small talk and I panicked. I’m hoping this won’t happen every week.

I just wonder what the hell I’m doing.

In pretty much every aspect of my life. What am I doing?

I love days like today when the date is 08/08/08 – it works internationally and I don’t have to work very hard to figure out what day it is.

It took me ages to get used to reading the date as dd/mm/yy. I had a rule of thumb, ‘it is the opposite of whatever I think it should be’. Then I finally figured out the ‘right’ way to do it I started switching it around again so I had to abandon my rule. Took me even longer to get used to the 24-hour clocks.

I like these little differences, they make my life feel special. They highlight that even small things have different meanings in different places and I shouldn’t take things at face value.

Today was a fun day. Weasel is unfortunately not feeling very well, but it meant I got to hang out with her. I invited her to walk up to the Post Office/pharmacy/store with me. I posted the cassette tape to the man who wanted the Tori show and two mangas I’d managed to sell on Amazon. I got my special anti-immune system drugs and some self-raising flour. I’m this [finger near thumb] close to making trigs cupcakes.

While we were waiting for drugs we nipped across the street to an oriental shop to have a look around. We feel in love with a Chinese zither [or Guzheng]. It sounded so amazing and Weasel really played some beautiful music. I’d really love to sing with it. At £580 it is a little out of our price range, but we talked about it and decided we’d get it for our Christmas to each other. We also found a gorgeous parasol that would be perfect for a Weasel. And a wind chime I rather liked. We didn’t have any cards with us so we’ll have to go back for them.

The Olympics started today at 1pm, I knew I had to call my parents at 3 so I recorded it. The BBC has extensive coverage and I’m very excited.

A few weeks ago I wrote about goals and how I couldn’t seem to think of any. I was reading a lot of goal list websites and one I found had 50 listed. Of those 50, I’d either done them or was completely uninterested, these were what was left:

• Hot air balloon flight
• Visit Egypt
• Go whale watching
• See the northern lights
• Visit Machu Picchu

I’m really not well enough to travel at the moment and if I had the money to spend visiting Machu Picchu I’d rather use it to see my sister. But Weasel and I have decided to see if we can combine whale watching and the northern lights by visiting Norway or Finland. The hot air balloon flight will happen too.

So basically, I’ve just done too much already and that’s why I’m at a loss for what to do now. Regardless, these are not the personal goals I’d envisioned for myself. I suppose I’d like something to do with my brain. Something to do with my hands. Something I’m passionate about. I love baking, could I do it professionally? I love editing letters, papers and stories; what about that? But right now I can’t even figure out how to begin. I’m not in a hurry, but I wish I could find my passion.

One final thing, the other night while I was speaking with Horatio I told him about a fountain I’d see while I was out getting fish with Doodle and Stoat. At first glance it looked like a beaver, a sexy beaver. It turned out to be an otter; still sexy. When I told Horatio he used ‘beaver’ as a verb, for example: ‘I would beaver her’. We ended up having a long debate about whether ‘beaver’ was a verb or a noun. In every case I could think of it ended up being a noun yet he refused to admit he was wrong. He said it was a regional dialect and that he knew several people at school who used beaver as a verb. So beaver: verb or noun?

ETA: This is my 300th Debbie!