I did think of one verb use of beaver: ‘I have been beavering away on this report.’ Meaning working of course. Mish and Horatio’s Mum support Horatio’s assertion that it is a regional thing. I still think it sounds wrong and if anyone offered to beaver me I don’t think I’d accept.

Last week I had a friend request from a man on MySpace. I don’t usually add people I don’t ‘know’. I perfer to have it be an accurate representation of my actual social network. I also don’t like everyone knowing my business. Anyway, he requested and as usual I at least when to check his page out. He loves god and children and our only common thread is that we both have WG. Nothing else.

So I replied, politely I thought, and said that it was kind of him to offer the friend request but I preferred to keep it to people I knew. His reply was all huffy. Which to me just confirms that we weren’t meant to be friends. Anyone who really wanted to be friends – not someone who was just trying to up their friend number on the most tenuous link possible – would have replied and said well let’s get to know each other. Shared something of himself and asked about me. I doubt he would have wanted to be friends with me once he got to know me anyway. Me being the left leaning lesbian and all.

Which actually brings us nicely to our next topic of discussion. BlanketGirl was at an event recently and had a man approach her and ask if I was a lesbian. She replied in the affirmative and he went on to explain that the WG was my punishment for my homosexuality. So now I’m tempted to write the WG list and ask how many of them are big queermos so we can hang out in sin together. I’m excited to be able to let my doctors know that I have learned the cause of my WG. Also if I have mis-remembered any of this my sincere apologies to BlanketGirl and hope she can correct me post-haste.

So the opening ceremony of the Olympics was on Friday. They started at 1pm here and since I had to call my parents at 3 I elected to record them and watch later. Weasel and I started around 8pm. Oh. My. God. They did such a wonderful job. I couldn’t believe the sheer scale of it all. 2008 drummers were amazing, doing the countdown in perfect unison. There were wonderful performances, some even featuring the zithers – that wonderful instrument that Weasel and I want. My only disappointment was with the commentators. I tuned them out after a while. They were so condescending to the Chinese people. I think the Chinese have done an amazing job with the whole thing and I can only wish them all the best. Seeing athletes from all 204 countries was amazing too. Obviously Weasel and I are rooting for Great Britain, secondly the US and Ireland with half an eye on Australia and Canada too.

On Saturday we went over to see Weasel’s family to celebrate Stoat’s 61st birthday. We had a wonderful time, we watched a fair amount of gymnastics on TV, played several games, ate delicious food and had a lovely physics lesson from Weasel. The tip of it was the celebration cookie – Doodle came up with, ‘Age is not a number, but 61 is.’ Made us all laugh. The cookie was sooo good, best we’ve had in ages. I’m tempted to ice my cookies the next time I make some. It was a near perfect outing.

I went off to my Quaker meeting today. I wrote:

If I don’t believe in god – what am I doing here? God seems to illogical.

I want to believe. I am waiting for proof? Message to the contrary? Show me I am wrong god! What and awful way to start a relationship. Challenging.

How do I let my doubt and suspicion go clear the way to potential enlightenment?

Have I simply let myself be hurt by too many Christians? I only know scripture and religion the Mormon way – how to lean alternatives?

Every week of silence makes me more angry. Why won’t he talk to me? I must let that anger go.

I’m beginning to ask question like, ‘how long do I give this before I give up?’ This was only my fifth meeting so I’ll be going for a while yet. But my first question is relevant, I’m supposed to be waiting in expectant silence for the light within. I haven’t found/felt any light yet, I really want to though.

To be completely honest, I’m not sure if I don’t believe in god. I might. I’m open to the idea. I’m open to pretty much any idea.

A big part of why I am attending these meeting is that I want to develop a community. I get very nervous of social situations and my instinct after this meeting was to get out ASAP. They hadn’t even got the tea/coffee trays out when I left. I hate small talk and I panicked. I’m hoping this won’t happen every week.

I just wonder what the hell I’m doing.

In pretty much every aspect of my life. What am I doing?