Last Sunday was a sunny day. It was the third sunny day in a row and I couldn’t let it pass without mowing the lawn. Weasel is still busily coughing up a lung so I thought I’d give it a go. I managed it, I had to stop and rest three times. I didn’t rake up the grass or sweep the path like I used to do, but I did mow all the grass. The first time I vacuumed the stairs I had to stop and rest three times, so in comparison this is amazing.

I’ve updated my illness page with the results from Tuesday’s dilation.

I’ve been mostly resting this week, energy levels have been down a little [nothing serious]. I’m definitely breathing more comfortably, I can go up the stairs without a coughing fit – win! I had my first go on our rower today too. I managed 10 minutes and 1600m, on level 4.5. I am pleased with it, but I’m battling myself as usual. I couldn’t help but think I used to do over 2000m in 10 minutes on level 8. Never mind, focus on the good. Rower is awesome and I’m so pleased to have access to it any time I want.

Weasel and I had the joy of baking yesterday. I’d read online that one could make brownies and cookies and they could be fused during the baking process. So we dutifully went and bought 500g of butter and mixed the ingredients for my lovely brownies and some peanut butter oatmeal cookies. They were put in a lined baking dish and baked for 40 minutes when I finally gave up and pulled them out. The outer edges were fine, even a bit crunchy. The middle though? Pure sticky, wonderfully delicious goo. I cut up the edges and stored them in a box. The middle had to be tricked into a box using the cover-and-flip method. I’m not ashamed to say I’ve already eaten the middle. We only have the box of edges left.

I will probably do this again, but I need a larger dish… or less ingredients [nah].

The Doodle is enjoying his 27th birthday this Saturday and Weasel and I plan to put ‘D = 27 Don’t frost the pie’ on the cookie because he loves Alias too. We’ve got his presents purchased and wrapped and ready to go. I get to see Doodle on Tuesday as well, we’re going to see LongView!! Yay for LongView. When I was so very sick and sleeping on the sofa [before I went deaf] I used to put their album along with The Cure’s Disintegration on repeat all night to help me rest/sleep. Which is why those two albums are so high up in my play list. It makes me feel better and seeing them will be awesome. Should also be a good warm up attempt at gig going before I see Heather Nova in October. I want to see how I do with standing and how the hearing aids cope. Very very excited.

Some random things: I’ve booked myself in for a cervical screening test on Wednesday. I hate having these done, but I’ve already put it off since last May [doctor said it was okay to wait up to December]. I’ve had a new credit card issued so I have a new number to memorise. The skin under my right index finger has separated from the nail much to my discomfort. I want to make a hair appointment, but I wanted to leave it until closer to my holiday so I could a) give my hair more time to grow and b) look my best when I see my family. My hair is driving me crazy though. I haven’t said anything to anyone except to BlanketGirl on the phone last week, my hair seems to have stopped falling out. I also have lots of little hairs that seem to be new growth. I’m trying not to look at it too closely in case I scare it away.

I cannot stop thinking about the US election, it is maddening. I got my ballot last week so I really need to be making my decision and sending it off. I keep reading anything I can get my hands on about the candidates, I bother my friends [thank you Karen!] and family, I ask Weasel to input, I watch news casts on YouTube and I even downloaded the Presidential debate. I want to stop thinking about it and even more, to stop being scared. McCain scares me so much, he lies about everything and the way he has changes position on key issues even from 2000 to present is scary. I think his personal life is less than exemplary [i.e. I never, ever approve of cheating on your spouse]. I’m scared for his age/health and the implications it has on the length of his presidency and putting Palin in charge. Her last interview with Katie Couric was baffling at best. I’m excited to see the VP debate. I am heartened that Obama was up in the polls following the debate. Gah, want to stop thinking about it!

I’ve been trying to make myself get up in the mornings and it has had a detrimental effect on my happiness, mental abilities and oomph levels. So tomorrow I am sleeping until I wake up, even if it is noon again.

Turns out I caught a cold. Saturday morning when I woke up I felt like I’d been hit by a truck. So no fancy lunch for us. Horatio was very kind though and persuaded Domino’s to go a little out of their remit and deliver to us! We watched many films, ate yummy foods, played fun games and snuggled. Sunday I managed to make my way home on my own. Weasel met me at the rail station and we got a taxi home. It really was a successful visit bar me being ill.

That’s where I’ve been all week, feeling like crap. I have mostly been coughing a painful amount [abs are strained and head pounding with each blow]. I started to feel better on Thursday thankfully so I didn’t feel too worried about my pre-admission appointment yesterday or going forward with my operation on Tuesday. Going to get there at 6:50am in an effort to be seen first. Then I hope to get out on the same day again.

Unfortunately, Horatio came down with same yick on Monday and Weasel is still battling it. We’ve been very pathetic. Happily, it seems that my ability to feel sympathy for people I know and love is still in tact. Strangers shouldn’t care what I think about them anyway so we’re good.

On Tuesday I went to re-fill my pill box for the week and I realised I had lost count of my antidepressants. Weasel and I were too ill to do anything so I ended up calling the doctor to get the prescription then calling Mal and asking her to collect it for me. She took it home and gave it to Stoat who came over the next day and he and Weasel were able to get it filled. I am very grateful to have people who can help me.

I got a letter this week saying my redundancy payment had been processed and the money would be an our account within four days. The letter was dated the 15th and it was the 18th so we checked and sure enough we had monies! We ordered our rower! I’m very excited about it. The rest of the money will go towards new clothes for me. I think I’ll make the appointment with the personal shopper week after next.

Eleanor’s Dad passed away on Monday which was very sad. She went ahead with the wedding today anyway and it was wonderful. They tricked us though, it was a church service as well as the wedding. Weasel and I sat on the back row so we could duck out if we started coughing too much. This worked out well because I couldn’t stop mocking the hymns and readings. I am awful. One hymn said to dispel our evil and Weasel and I mimed the words and she gave her evil to me! I was aghast and I mimed giving it back and she tossed it on the floor. I told her to stomp on it.

There were a lot of jokes about Jesus cumming. Every time ‘spirit’ came up I’d whisper ‘spigot’ and we’d giggle. I must stress that we were on the back row being very quiet – all our giggles were silent. We’re naughty, but we still respect others and their beliefs.

Weasel decided to take communion while we were there, I just had a blessing. I didn’t know what the proper method was so I hope I didn’t make some unfortunate faux pas. I’ll take any blessings I can get, I’m not proud.

Eleanor had the most amazing dress, so stunning. I’ll post some photos once I get them off the camera. I got to see Alex and his girlfriend – I haven’t seen him in nearly a year. My last day of work was 1st October. Was wonderful to catch up. Also chatting loads with Robin and her husband. It was a lot of fun and so beautiful.

Weasel and I are now collapsed for the rest of the day.

P.S. I went to notify the Cunning Linguists of this Debbie and Dada Mail died a death. I don’t know why and I don’t have the inclination to find the problem and fix it. So from now on there will not be any mailing list. Suggest strongly that you learn how to use RSS and subscribe to periwinkleblue – I recommend Google Reader.

“As a matter of fact, I swallowed one of these two hours ago. And the explanation is, that it is, in fact, my hand.”

“Everything, it seemed, was all right.”

This is moving no matter how you read it. The opening to “Cominagetcha” by the Propellerheads.

I was reading a journal the other day and the first post was her complaining about a sinus headache that turned into a migraine, she spent the day in bed. She took many sinus medications over the next week and was fine. Her next entry was about visiting her sister, brother-in-law and niece. She was sad because she only got to see them twice a year.

Before I got sick, I would have been sympathetic, I would have been compassionate, I would have hoped that things got better for her soon.

But now? I’m just thinking, try being light sensitive for a month [and unable to wear sunglasses], try being so dizzy you get trapped in the bath, try having such intense pain that not even codeine will touch it. Do this in varying degrees for a year then talk to me about how hard your migraine was. I can’t remember when BlanketGirl moved to Phoenix, but I know I saw her shortly after From the Choirgirl Hotel [Tori] came out because we listened to it in the car on the drive home from the airport. So probably the summer of 1998. I moved here in 99. I saw her for a few days in 2002 and at Christmas in 2005. I’ll see her in November. So I’ve seen my sister three times in ten years, my nieces twice in ten years. Makes twice a year look like heaven.

This makes it hard to feel sympathy, compassion or even comradeship. I just feel angry and bitter. I want her to know how hard it can be. How bad things can get. I want her to hurt as much as I have.

I don’t want to be like this, I want to feel like I did before. I don’t want to wish bad things on good people. I want to remember [without reminding myself] that everyone has their problems, concerns and issues in varying degrees and no one is really comparable to anyone else.

‘Varying degrees’ is obviously a phrase I like today.

Yesterday was wonderful. I got myself up and put together in good time. I had some confusion about train times, but was recused by getting a taxi to the station instead of walking. I was able to move my bag myself with no problems. I had a seat on both trains and I got the fast train with time to spare. I read and cross stitiched the entire time and enjoyed myself. Horatio had a company car last night so he collected me at the rail station.

We got settled back at his flat, had dinner and used the car to visit a local manor house and grounds. I was pleased I’d got the taxi to the station because it meant I could have this. It was stunning, I really enjoyed it and the weather was perfect. I’m hoping that we’ll go back many times when I can cycle properly again. It would be an excellent spot for cycling, picnicking, walking/hiking or just sitting and talking. We stopped to get some food on the way home, I got to wander around a new shop and see many new sites from the car. I also got to introduce Horatio to How We Quit the Forest by Rasputina as the car had a jack for MP3 players.

After some intimate moments we watched The Anchorman and called it a night. I’m still having trouble falling asleep. I was making myself go to bed at 11 and stay there until I fell asleep – two to three hours. I gave up this week and I’ve just been staying up. So after Horatio fell asleep I got back up and hung out with the computer. I probably slept at 2. Woke up at 10 feeling like crap. Coughing is bad today. Chest is all wheezy. Feel very tired and slow.

I’ve been resting today to try and counteract it. I am clinging to the idea that I just overdid it yesterday and I’ll be fine tomorrow. I want to be fine tomorrow, Horatio and I are celebrating our anniversary. On September 29th six years ago we decided to give us a shot and I became polyamorous in the process. We’re going out to lunch tomorrow provided I don’t feel like crap.

After hearing my tale of woe* Horatio decided to get a new phone, we would have gone tomorrow, but if I’m not well I won’t be able to go shopping. He’s also getting some throat lozenges for me.

* I call my parents on Fridays at 3pm, it was just my Dad today though. At 2:30 I got the phone while I was up so I would be rested and comfortable when it came time to talk to my Dad. When the time came, I discovered the phone was out of charge. With my phone, you can just use regular non-rechargeable batteries temporarily if it is dead, Horatio’s wouldn’t let me. So I only got to talk for 15 minutes. It was fine, my Dad and I are very efficient, plus I wasn’t feeling too hot so conversation was hard.

I left Fergus with Weasel because she’s not been feeling well either. We went back to the doctor on Wednesday and she has yet another course of antibiotics. So that night while we were snuggling down for sleep I asked if she wanted him over the weekend. Thankfully, Fergus is wise and he insisted I take his hedgehog so I wouldn’t get lonely. Hedgehog has been very comforting, but I still miss Fergus and Weasel.

No matter where I am I miss people.

Please go and look at this.

I thought it was absolutely hilarious. I have never seen such genius. House of Leaves by Mark D Danielewski is in fact the most pretentious book ever I have ever read. I borrowed Doodle’s copy when we went to the States in 2002. Unfortunately, my shampoo decided to explode during the journey and the book caught a fair amount. So I gave Doodle the money to replace it and kept the book.

I eventually read it, a tortuous experience because of its massive size. I could only read it at home, it was too gargantuan to take anywhere with me. It dragged in places, made no sense in others and I had to do maths to get some of it.

It was worth reading once though, especially if it means I can appreciate comics like the one above. And of course Poe’s lovely second album Haunted is supposed to compliment it so I can enjoy that level too. I should mention that Mark is Poe’s brother.

I’ve been beating myself up for not going to the Quaker meetings. I finally had to face the issue. My problem is that I sleep from 10am to noon every day. I woke up at 11:45 today. The Quaker meeting starts at 10:30. Which means I have to get up around 8:30 to give myself enough time to get ready and walk up there. I missed three weeks ago because I was recovering from my dilation, I missed two weeks ago because I was visiting Horatio, I missed last week because I wasn’t feeling well. I’ll miss tomorrow because I’m still not feeling well. I’ll miss next week because I’ll be visiting Horatio again. So then I have to ask myself how badly do I want this to be a part of my life?

If I am completely honest, I’m not that bothered either way. I wanted to get involved with some sort of community. I wanted to try to access something bigger than myself. I still want those things, but perhaps now is just not the right time. Perhaps I’ll designate one Sunday a month to drag my sorry carcase out of bed early.

Weasel and I spent a fair amount of today trying to figure out how to fit a rowing machine in our lives. Our little house is a little packed. We talked about moving our bed [5'x7'] into the box room [7'x7'], talked about getting new dressing room furniture and putting the rower in there, talked about putting it in the library. We finally settled on moving some chairs in the lounge and putting it there. We even talked about getting rid of the sofa! The next question was if Weasel would help me select a rower. At the gyms I’ve been to I had access to Concept II rowers and they are perfection. I’ve tried to research other brands only to find out things like they break easily or the resistance is too low. In the end we decided to get what we really want. We can get the model D for £899. So the current plan is to wait until I get my redundancy pay then pool our other resources and get one.

Fergus has a mushroom which he likes to stalk, nom on and generally abuse. But it is a loving relationship. Weasel fetched a hedgehog that makes kissing noises from the library today. I’ve had hedgehog for many years and he is the perfect size to be a friend for Fergus. So he has been holding him today and there has been many kisses and lots of playing. We’re all delighted with this latest development. Does mean I’ll have more to pack when we go on holiday though.

I’ve been following several fat activist’s blogs [gag] and one of them was arguing against a universal health care system for the US because she thinks people would go after the fatties when the taxes went up to pay for it. I couldn’t understand initially, to me it is like paying the same tax as my neighbours even though I’ve never had children, why am I funding schools? It benefits society to have the cictizens educated and healthy.

Anyway, it occurred to me today: she is healthy. People who are healthy have few problems with the current US system. You see your doctor two maybe four times a year at $20 a pop in co-pays and it isn’t any big deal. At my worst, I had three doctors appointments each week. That’s $240 on top of the $200-$500 I would have been paying to have insurance in the first place. $240 is a minimum guess as well, because $20 is for a GP, I was seeing specialists.

I cannot imagine how much my six chemotherapy treatments would have cost. How much my five day hospital stay would have cost. How much each prescription would have cost if I hadn’t had my pre-pay card. How much having these dilations would cost. They’re just going to keep doing them until the treatment sticks. I’ve already had two and I have another in a couple of weeks.

It is all about doing the best we can for as many people as we can.

Nine years ago today, I got to sleep with Weasel for the first time. I discovered she has an interesting leg twitch when she falls asleep. That first time it made me rather nervous.

I travelled on a plane for the first time. The journey was very long and very scary.

I got to ride in a car driving on the left hand side of the road for the first time.

I used my passport for the first time.

I travelled with 250 [approximately] CDs in my carry-on luggage, leaving just enough room for a change of clothes and a few other essentials. I didn’t trust the post office to send my babies safely to my new home.

I left the US; glad to see the end of it.

I experienced real humidity for the first time.

I said goodbye to my parents knowing it would be at least six months before I saw them. I didn’t speak to them on the phone until Thanksgiving.

I left everything I’d ever known in this world to go be with a women I’d previously only had ten days with in person. But I had nearly two years worth of internet exchanges and phone calls.

Nine years ago, I was 18 years old. I didn’t know enough to be afraid yet.

I haven’t regretted moving here and creating a life with Weasel for one minute.

In other news, we’re both still ill. My mini-trampoline finally arrived. McCain makes me break into a cold sweat and have heart palpitations. I donated $50 to Obama. I got to call the electoral office in Idaho yesterday because I couldn’t remember if I’d registered to vote or not [I have]. It is raining a lot and it sounds amazing.

I cannot believe it is already September. A year ago I was putting my gym membership on hold because I couldn’t seem to keep the energy together to go. I was preparing for my parents to visit. I was proof-reading Horatio’s dissertation for his master’s degree. I was working. I still had a septum – granted it had a hole it, but it was mostly there. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but I’d been sick for 10 months. This year has felt so incredible slow to me with each day having to be lived as it comes, but when I stop a look up I find that time continues moving, just without me.

Today was an adventure. I think this is the most me-like day I have had in a year. I woke up really early [6:30] for no apparent reason. So I decided to take it easy and watched TV while cross stitching for most of the morning. I made bread, did the laundry, made granola and requested some prescriptions.

Mid-morning the doorbell went, I could hear it and I got up to answer it as usual. It was only when I opened the door that I remembered I was deaf and it wouldn’t be any good for whoever it was. Thankfully Weasel arrived at the door just after me and she handled it. We got to have a good laugh at me.

Weasel is doing better today, she’s spent the last few days sleeping mostly. We went for a walk around the park. We were holding hands and chatting as usual. We approached these two girls on a bench and they asked if we were mother and daughter. This isn’t the first time this has happened to us and it continues to baffle. We said ‘no’ in unison back and kept walking. It amused me. Not two seconds later, a puppy spotted us and bounded over. I got kisses, little play bites and all sorts of excitement then he ran back to his people just as fast as he’d come over. Very sweet. We also passed a very business-like doggy that wouldn’t stop to talk only to realise later that he was attached to the jogging lady some way ahead of him. It was the perfect walk.

After all of that my brain said, ‘Dominos’. I told Weasel my brain was being bad and she said her’s had been bad since during our walk. We caved. Then I called Horatio and asked him to order it since Weasel and I hate talking on the phone. Horatio takes very good care of us.

I got to order train tickets to see Horatio again – September 11-14. I’m going to try to do the journey by myself. Last time I did feel like I probably could have done more but I didn’t dare. I feel I have the rhythm of it down now.

The other night I was washing my hands in the kitchen and Weasel said there was a spider coming down behind me. I’m okay with spiders when they are up in the corner not causing any trouble. I don’t like it when they touch me or when I can visualise them jumping on me [yes I know the vast majority of spiders can't jump thus the irrational part of this fear]. Anyway, I had a fan in our tiny kitchen to blow out the smoke I generated seasoning my shiny new iron griddle. So spider comes down, I back out of the room tripping over the fan. Spider goes back up so I go rinse my hands. Only for the spider to drop again. I back out of the room again, this time running into the fan and knocking it over. Weasel rescued us both when she fetched the vacuum and sucked him up. That’s what happens to home invaders around here.

I find those people who take pride in their shortcomings fascinating. Like the woman who cannot cook and takes pride in the number of fires she’s started. Why not just take an evening class at a local college? Or the person who can’t do maths and giggles about it. I admit I’m not great at maths, but my problem is mostly one of speed. I can do most problems, eventually. I didn’t have good experiences with maths so I haven’t pursued it, but maybe now that I’ve got nothing but time on my hands I should look into something like that. Or sign language classes. Or finish my counselling course. Bah.

Chance wrote BlanketGirl and I an e-mail a few weeks ago. We both replied in a reasonable way and Chance just didn’t like what we had to say so she shut down. This is all part of her playing the victim and what I’m scared she’s going to do in November and take some of the fantasticness that this holiday will have. So I wrote her and BlanketGirl another e-mail yesterday trying to get the ball rolling again. I do not want any drama this time round, so I’m trying for the greater good.