“As a matter of fact, I swallowed one of these two hours ago. And the explanation is, that it is, in fact, my hand.”

“Everything, it seemed, was all right.”

This is moving no matter how you read it. The opening to “Cominagetcha” by the Propellerheads.

I was reading a journal the other day and the first post was her complaining about a sinus headache that turned into a migraine, she spent the day in bed. She took many sinus medications over the next week and was fine. Her next entry was about visiting her sister, brother-in-law and niece. She was sad because she only got to see them twice a year.

Before I got sick, I would have been sympathetic, I would have been compassionate, I would have hoped that things got better for her soon.

But now? I’m just thinking, try being light sensitive for a month [and unable to wear sunglasses], try being so dizzy you get trapped in the bath, try having such intense pain that not even codeine will touch it. Do this in varying degrees for a year then talk to me about how hard your migraine was. I can’t remember when BlanketGirl moved to Phoenix, but I know I saw her shortly after From the Choirgirl Hotel [Tori] came out because we listened to it in the car on the drive home from the airport. So probably the summer of 1998. I moved here in 99. I saw her for a few days in 2002 and at Christmas in 2005. I’ll see her in November. So I’ve seen my sister three times in ten years, my nieces twice in ten years. Makes twice a year look like heaven.

This makes it hard to feel sympathy, compassion or even comradeship. I just feel angry and bitter. I want her to know how hard it can be. How bad things can get. I want her to hurt as much as I have.

I don’t want to be like this, I want to feel like I did before. I don’t want to wish bad things on good people. I want to remember [without reminding myself] that everyone has their problems, concerns and issues in varying degrees and no one is really comparable to anyone else.

‘Varying degrees’ is obviously a phrase I like today.

Yesterday was wonderful. I got myself up and put together in good time. I had some confusion about train times, but was recused by getting a taxi to the station instead of walking. I was able to move my bag myself with no problems. I had a seat on both trains and I got the fast train with time to spare. I read and cross stitiched the entire time and enjoyed myself. Horatio had a company car last night so he collected me at the rail station.

We got settled back at his flat, had dinner and used the car to visit a local manor house and grounds. I was pleased I’d got the taxi to the station because it meant I could have this. It was stunning, I really enjoyed it and the weather was perfect. I’m hoping that we’ll go back many times when I can cycle properly again. It would be an excellent spot for cycling, picnicking, walking/hiking or just sitting and talking. We stopped to get some food on the way home, I got to wander around a new shop and see many new sites from the car. I also got to introduce Horatio to How We Quit the Forest by Rasputina as the car had a jack for MP3 players.

After some intimate moments we watched The Anchorman and called it a night. I’m still having trouble falling asleep. I was making myself go to bed at 11 and stay there until I fell asleep – two to three hours. I gave up this week and I’ve just been staying up. So after Horatio fell asleep I got back up and hung out with the computer. I probably slept at 2. Woke up at 10 feeling like crap. Coughing is bad today. Chest is all wheezy. Feel very tired and slow.

I’ve been resting today to try and counteract it. I am clinging to the idea that I just overdid it yesterday and I’ll be fine tomorrow. I want to be fine tomorrow, Horatio and I are celebrating our anniversary. On September 29th six years ago we decided to give us a shot and I became polyamorous in the process. We’re going out to lunch tomorrow provided I don’t feel like crap.

After hearing my tale of woe* Horatio decided to get a new phone, we would have gone tomorrow, but if I’m not well I won’t be able to go shopping. He’s also getting some throat lozenges for me.

* I call my parents on Fridays at 3pm, it was just my Dad today though. At 2:30 I got the phone while I was up so I would be rested and comfortable when it came time to talk to my Dad. When the time came, I discovered the phone was out of charge. With my phone, you can just use regular non-rechargeable batteries temporarily if it is dead, Horatio’s wouldn’t let me. So I only got to talk for 15 minutes. It was fine, my Dad and I are very efficient, plus I wasn’t feeling too hot so conversation was hard.

I left Fergus with Weasel because she’s not been feeling well either. We went back to the doctor on Wednesday and she has yet another course of antibiotics. So that night while we were snuggling down for sleep I asked if she wanted him over the weekend. Thankfully, Fergus is wise and he insisted I take his hedgehog so I wouldn’t get lonely. Hedgehog has been very comforting, but I still miss Fergus and Weasel.

No matter where I am I miss people.