There is a small chance that my heightened depression, anger, bitterness and weepiness were caused by my lady bits.

This is the problem with PCOS, I just have no idea when my period will show up and cause havoc. Since I already have depression having a little more on top – especially when I had a difficult doctor’s appointment – I just have no way of knowing that it isn’t just me.

It is good for me to have periods though, shows that something in my stupid body is working as it should.

We had a lovely time with Weasel’s family yesterday. Much lovely food, good conversation and a game of Trivial Pursuit. We have our own rules; we can have three guesses and we give each other hints; if we feel a question is badly worded or inappropriate* we skip it and pick another one. It results in very much giggling. Not to mention that once when we played Doodle had a string of Stage and Screen cards that involved Robbie Williams so now we actually refer to that category as the Robbie Williams category and it is usually everyone’s first guess.

* They had the gall to ask what colour Clare Short’s jacket was during her resignation speech. Sexism at its finest. Grr. No male politician would have had such a question asked about him.

Doodle was playing the underdog in the game and managed to come from behind and win. Weasel asked Mal about knitting and learnt how to caste on and I talked her through stitches this morning.

I got a letter from the benefits office this week, I considered it with dread because my life hasn’t been brimming with good news lately. Happily though, it was good news! Because I’ve been receiving benefits for 52 weeks [sad] I’m entitled to £10 more per week plus a Christmas bonus. This is very good news since the council tax has been raised 4% and Weasel will not be getting a raise or a bonus this year [because of the economy, not because of her performance]. I’m just relieved that we don’t have to worry about her losing her job.

Weasel and I went for a lovely long walk today. I love spring, all the flowers are gorgeous and everything smells so fresh. Daylight Saving Time started last night. Bliss! I love having the sun up later, in the height of summer it’ll stay up until 10:30. Of course, the flip side is that it rises at 4:30, but it is still nice. Much better than winter. Maybe I should find a way to have a BBQ for my birthday. That could be fun. Make veggie burgers/hotdogs [I have issues touching raw meat], various veggies and halloumi! Yum. I still have a few weeks to think about it.

I sometimes have the urge to write fiction here so I can sound like a real person. Oh the stories I could tell!

Instead though, I have stupid old reality. I realise I haven’t written a Debbie in some time, I find that my depression/bitterness has raged into overdrive and I really prefer not to display that if possible.

Firstly, some good news. I saw an underling of my vasculitis doctor last week, I am now officially tapering my steroids! I am on 4mg now, will move to 3mg on 29th April and six weeks after that I’ll be on 2mg, etc. etc. until I get to stop. I’m really really hoping I don’t flare during this. It is a very common for us WG people to flare while we’re tapering. I seem to have more energy which is very good. Nothing else really noticeable yet.

Secondly, some not good news. My chest doctor still thinks I’m fat. He reckons my GP lied to me when he said my diet was normal. So I’m back to recording my food and exercise again. I’m not to have any ‘treats’. I never thought of anything I had as a treat, more dessert or just a part of my day-to-day. Since it is impossible for the majority of people to lose weight and keep it off I’m not delighted. Additionally, all this has done is made me paranoid and obsessive. I’ve been here before, it isn’t a fun place. I’ve gone down every possible weight loss road there is and I am just not ever going to be a small person. My current plan is to do away with my ‘treats’ and in a month I’ll go see my GP and discuss it again. Chest doctor’s plan if I do not lose weight is to send me to the obesity clinic where they will give me drugs. Drugs that don’t work, just like dieting doesn’t work.

It makes me very angry and bitter – more so! Good times for all of us.

I spent last weekend with Horatio. We watched Teeth, which if you love horrible B-movies with bad acting, poor plot and hilarious use of fake blood I recommend wholeheartedly. We cooked and talked and played many games and had sex two times! I’m totally on my way back eh? Our record was 19, our average was nine. I really really hate not having a sex drive and I really really want it back.

My wonderful eyelid rash has spread to my earlobes. I have no idea what’s going on there. When Weasel woke me up this morning I asked her if there were still travelling freak shows. I’m beginning to feel that I would make a good act. I forgot about this conversation until later in the day. I’m not surprised I was still trying to find a job with my current skill set.

The social inclusion people told me about a knitting group in a local cafe. I went along last night and had Weasel go with me for moral support. There were six others, apparently their record is 22. They were all very kind and had a variety of projects and had entertaining conversation. Some of them are fairly close in age to me too, which is a wonderful surprise. I have no idea how to meet women my own age for friendship. I shall go again next week.

I have plans to join a book club at the library as well. It meets next Wednesday in the afternoon. I’m very nervous about doing both in one day.

We were going to see Stoat and Mal on Saturday, but their boiler died a death; so no heating. We’ve invited them ’round here instead.

I’ve been cleaning my ceilings this week. Kitchen, bathroom, dressing room. I’ve also cleaned window frames. I love it when my house is clean.

I’m impressed I’ve managed to write this without the rage taking over. I’m still waiting for my referral to the therapist who will help me ‘adjust to [my] physical health problems’.

God damn it.

I was reading 24@Heart recently and I realised yet again that now matter how unhappy I am with the way this illness has changed my body, at the end of it all, I am still me [somewhere? I hope?] and I accepted who I am long ago. This is the body I have.

It built on the discussions happening over at Shakesville too, see the This is my flaw project. I thought about participating, but I don’t think I am brave enough. It is all well and good working through the changes mentally on my own or with loved ones, but I do not think I am strong enough yet to let other people see and comment on me.

I’ve told several people about DasBecca’s rant about The Watchman, it is hilarious and so beautifully written. Go read it.

Momo Fali asked an interesting question today… it doesn’t make sense without her back story, so go read real quick. Question is ‘What’s Your Feather?’

For Weasel, I think a musical note. We met because we both love Tori and joined a mailing list to discuss her music. Obviously we met on the internet, but I couldn’t think of a way to represent that. I thought of a spider’s web, it would be beautiful in a frame, but I don’t think it represents the internet. Music brought us together and it is a huge part of our lives now. I think words/books could work just as well. We both love our books so very much and obviously the internet is covered in words [just like books!].

For Horatio, again we met on the internet. I’m trying to think of the moments when I found myself falling in love and what ‘thing’ represents that. He makes me laugh so much, what represents laughter? I love talking about food with him, loved cycling together, adore the sex, we met because of anime… What represents any of this? We’ve taught each other and awful lot and learnt a lot too. Ruler? Apple? Pencil? DVD? Compass [one for drawing not for directions]? Bicycle? Cock ring? Cheese? Good god, I can’t think of one thing.

I know I have mentioned several times that I do not link to things because the links have a tendency to break over time. I found a way around that, Broken Link Checker for Wordpress. Love love love.

Weasel was snuggling with Fergus earlier and now he reeks of Olbas oil. I don’t mind it if my nose is stuffy too, but when it isn’t the smell just hits the back of my throat. Grumble. At least he doesn’t seem upset about it.

I can feel my vocal cords singing. They move like they’re supposed to, my throat wants to move with them, my tongue, my lips, everything. I can feel it. But I need the air to push through and past all of that. I don’t have the air.

I listen to my music; I get goosebumps, my skin crawls away, I can feel my abs tighten in anticipation.

The let down is so horrible, but no music is worse. As torturous as it is to have it so close, so tangible, it was worse when I couldn’t hear it at all.

I miss turning it up really loud and feeling it rock my rib cage.

Sort of loud to me is unbearably loud to everyone else.

You know that question, ‘which would you rather lose: hearing or sight?’ I always said sight. I figured I could get by listening to everything. I could figure it out. Living without the music seemed so incredibly awful. It was a nightmare to even think about.

I try so hard to not let this bother me. To be happy I am a candidate for hearing aids and that they work. But the long and short of it is that I will always miss who I was before I got sick.

I feel trapped in this husk of a body that doesn’t move like I expect that doesn’t act like the body I worked so hard on and in.

God damn it.

After a long conversation with Horatio during which I sobbed and tried my best to understand why the hell he was still with me, I listed some of the things that were so fucked right now and decided it would be good fun to write my personal ad! It gave me some amusement as I tried to come up with witty puns about my nasal deformity or my barely concealed rage. Then I decided there was no way I could do it proper justice and I gave up.

So I’ll just do a meme that’s been going ’round instead.

For Weasel

• What are your middle names?
  I’m Jo and she’s Nataly.
• How long have you been together?
  Depends on how you count it, anywhere from just over nine years to 11 years. We met online in January 1998, exchanged I-love-yous in May 1998, met in person March 1999, moved in together September 1999, got married December 1999.
• How long did you know each other before you started dating?
  Five months I guess.
• Who asked whom out?
  I think it was mutual.
• How old are each of you?
  She’s 29 and I’m 27.
• Whose siblings do you see the most?
  Hers, mainly because mine live thousands of miles away.
• Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
  My illness.
• Did you go to the same school?
  No… we have taken a few classes together at local colleges though.
• Are you from the same home town?
  No.
• Who is smarter?
  She is.
• Who is the most sensitive?
  I think I am.
• Where do you eat out most as a couple?
  Technically, it isn’t eating out since they deliver it to the house, but Domino’s Pizza.
• Where is the furthest you two have travelled together as a couple?
  Phoenix, AZ.
• Who has the craziest exes?
  Weasel.
• Who has the worst temper?
  Neither of us have a temper, but I think I get angry more.
• Who does the cooking?
  We both do it, but I think I enjoy it more.
• Who is the neat-freak?
  Me.
• Who is the most stubborn?
  I think we’re both fairly flexible, we just want things to go smoothly.
• Who hogs the bed?
  I like to put my head in the middle and she likes to put her feet on my side, so I think we both do.
• Who wakes up earlier?
  Weasel.
• Where was your first date?
  I’m not sure… we did a lot that week, my most memorable one is probably going to see 10 Things I Hate About You at the cinema.
• Who is more jealous?
  Neither of us are.
• How long did it take to get serious?
  Five months.
• Who eats more?
  Weasel eats some things faster than me, but I think we eat the same amount eventually.
• Who does the laundry?
  We share it, because I’m home more, I tend to do it, but she does if I can’t or I ask her to.
• Who’s better with the computer?
  She is.
• Who drives when you are together?
  Neither of us have a driving license. Her Dad or Mum if we’re in their car otherwise, the taxi driver.

For Horatio

• What are your middle names?
  I’m Jo and he’s David.

• How long have you been together?
  6.5 years.
• How long did you know each other before you started dating?
  Three months.
• Who asked whom out?
  I think I asked him.
• How old are each of you?
  I’m 27, he’s 24.
• Whose siblings do you see the most?
  He is an only child, and he’s never met my sisters. I’m hoping to change this when BlanketGirl visits.
• Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
  The distance, we live 200 miles away from each other, so only visit in person once a month-ish.
• Did you go to the same school?
  No.
• Are you from the same home town?
  No.
• Who is smarter?
  He is.
• Who is the most sensitive?
  I am.
• Where do you eat out most as a couple?
  Domino’s again… guess my favourite?
• Where is the furthest you two have travelled together as a couple?
  Pisa, Italy.
• Who has the craziest exes?
  Neither of us have any.
• Who has the worst temper?
  He does, but I’ve never seen it. Just heard stories after the fact.
• Who does the cooking?
  We both do, usually when I visit he likes to cook for me.
• Who is the neat-freak?
  I am.
• Who is the most stubborn?
  He is.
• Who hogs the bed?
  It comes to me by default, he doesn’t move much when I’m there.
• Who wakes up earlier?
  He does.
• Where was your first date?
  Anime convention.
• Who is more jealous?
  I am.
• How long did it take to get serious?
  Three months.
• Who eats more?
  I think we eat about the same.
• Who does the laundry?
  I do mine, he does his.
• Who’s better with the computer?
  He is.
• Who drives when you are together?
  He has a license, but no car, so when he has a car he does.

One of my favourite things to say to Weasel is, ‘Ears! Eyes nose you!” … I’m sad like that though.

Starts with an X rightly asked if co-ed sleepover was code for orgy and the very thought tickled me! My wife and my boyfriend would be guests at this potential party and that would just be disastrous! Although, to be fair, I have planned that if I kill myself*, that I would leave them with each other so I wouldn’t feel so bad making them be alone. Perhaps an orgy is not such a bad idea!

* I’m not going to kill myself, I enjoy the occasional fantasy about me being dead. No longer in pain, no longer living without being alive etc. A mental health person assures me this is normal to feel and provided I am not going to act on anything [I'm not] then it is fine.

I also thought about it some more and realised that I’d have to feed people breakfast, find bedding for everyone and all sorts of other things. I want to be a host beyond my current physical abilities so I’ve settled on the dinner party. I’m thinking that a lunch party might be better though, it would mean that I’d have more energy when people were there and people coming from further away wouldn’t have to go home exhausted in the middle of the night. I continue to think.

I was going through I has a hot dog today and I found one that made me laugh so hard I had not one, but two coughing fits. And when I explained to Weasel why I found it so funny she had a coughing fit too! So this is plague approved hilarity.

Now, I tell you why I thought it was funny, then you look again. Picture the scene:
Person wakes in the night, stumbles sleepily out of bedroom into hall. Dog is standing there. Dog speaks.

…

Oh good god I needed a good laugh. The more I look at the photo the more detail I see. Then I laugh even more. It is a thing of beauty.

Today I went through my search terms [for how people got here] and I was curious where I showed up in these results, some of them seemed far fetched. I searched using their phrases in Google and I couldn’t find myself, so what search engine are these people using?

I went to the dentist today and he looked my teeth over and said they were strong and I had excellent hygiene. Score! I told him that my latest [and last] wisdom tooth was bothering me a lot – I couldn’t open my mouth all the way and it hurt. He took a look and said he could try to get it today, otherwise we’d review in six months. He numbed everything up and got his chisel and we got the fucker! He said he thought he’d have to give up halfway through, but the socket released it just in time. No more horrible tooth growing in sideways and messing me up. Yay!

My appointment was at 9:15, so I got up at 8:45, which meant I only had eight hours of sleep instead of my preferred 10-12. So I’ve been a bit squirrelly today. Indecently, ’squirrel’ is my favourite word that Weasel says. Her British accent still gets me even after nine years.