BADD brought to us by Diary of a Goldfish.

Let me start by saying I feel woefully under qualified to writing anything about disablism. Disability is a very new hat to me still.

My hearing went in January [right ear] and October [left ear] 2007 and my breathing in December 2007. I spent 2008 at home resting and trying to heal enough to start living again. Now I am wandering out into the world, but I haven’t felt discriminated against really.

One problem I had was at the cinema where there is no hearing loop. I ended up using my ‘music’ setting turned up. The problem with this solution is that hearing aids can’t tell the difference between sound from the movie and sound from the person behind me rustling candy wrappers or talking. I felt guilty for wanting a better system for myself. I didn’t deserve to have the same experience at the cinema. I was less-than. I haven’t been back to the cinema since. So business people, wherever possible please include loops for those of us who are differently abled.

On-the-street encounters become challenging too. I feel very vulnerable walking out by myself. I once had a woman across the street from me ask a question [I guessed by her body language] and I replied that I was deaf. She waved an apologetic hand and moved on. Another time I saw a man walking towards me, eye contact was made and his lips were moving. I explained that I was hard of hearing and finally after a little back and forth we sorted it out – he’d been singing to himself. Just last weekend, I was using one hearing aid since my left ear is swollen and I had a person collecting for charity try to accost me. I ignored him though because I only had the one aid and I wasn’t feeling too well. From his point of view though, I must have looked so incredibly rude. I don’t like being rude, but equally, I’m not willing to explain everything to a passing stranger.

The other problem is when I tell someone that I can’t hear them they’ll smile and then keep talking at the same volume. So I just smile and ignore them. There’s nothing I can do to meet them half way. So when you’re interacting with people and they don’t respond how you think they should, give them some slack, you never know if they’re just deaf.

This is just the hearing side of my disabilities. I’ve had doctors who are leading me off for lung function tests – who know I have lung issues – charge off down the hall way ahead of me while I try to keep them in sight at my much slower pace. I find myself regularly apologising for being slow. I hate having to stop and rest.

I also apologise for not being able to hear. I feel so guilty for putting people out just because I’m an incomplete person.

Now I have to ask myself, do I think this about other disabled people? No. I genuinely think that they deserve every courtesy to help them navigate a world that doesn’t recognise their personhood. So why am I different?

This is my usual problem. The standards and expectations I have for myself are huge and unattainable compared to the expectation I have of other people. Everyone else gets compassion and respect from me, but I haven’t figured out how to turn that on myself yet.

I expect so much of my disabilities are tied up in my disease that I haven’t learnt how to separate the two and make peace. I want to though. Mostly, I just really want my old life back. So I am in awe of anyone who has managed to embrace a difference and move forward in an unfriendly world.

I sincerely hope I haven’t offended anyone.