I had my fourth bronchoscopy today. I woke up during this one a little bit, I didn’t like that. I also woke up quicker afterwards. I’ve been feeling a bit confused and slow from the sedative. My throat is all hoarse from the tube down my throat. My airways have narrowed again, but not enough to warrant another dilation [yet]. They couldn’t see all the way down into my right lung because the scope wouldn’t fit though the narrowing. This is good news and bad news.

Bad news because things have narrowed again and I’ll have to wait before I can be dilated – they want to do one big one instead of many little ones. Also, there’s a chance they’ll laser off the scar tissue. Good news because this means the results of my last dilation [Sept 27th 2008] will probably last a year or longer – aka my disease hasn’t been too active. This also means that all the improvement I’ve had has mostly been down to me; specifically the exercise and breathing techniques taught by the physiotherapist.

I admit I am a little disappointed. I was hoping for another dilatation. If I could breathe more comfortably, all sorts of doors would open for me. Ah well.

I made my own tortillas yesterday. Oh my god they were good. I’m totally going to make them all the time. I’m excited about the things I can mix into the dough. I’m thinking garlic, chopped spring onion, herbs [fresh and dried], sun-dried tomatoes… Very excited about having this door open too. I’m going to fashion my own tortilla press somehow too. I’m thinking on it.

My poor little brain is so befuddled. I go now.

Today I made another food I’ve been meaning to make for years and just never got around to: hummus. I made delicious roast orange pepper hummus. Usually it is made with red peppers, but orange is my favourite. I grilled the peppers actually, and that was the bit I’d never done before. It was incredibly easy and I am kicking myself that I put it off for so long. I also love using my liquidiser. It is very good fun.

I have two new plants in my garden now. On Saturday we went to our beloved health food shop for tofu and other yummy things and they had Greek Basil plants. The basil in my herb garden has died so this is a replacement. Then today I got a lettuce plant. I’m hoping I’ll get to keep it growing and if I’m lucky it’ll flower and I can plant the seed and have access to fresh lettuce all the time.

I miss cheese. I did the sensible thing today and froze my beautiful Mexicana. We normally buy 1/2 a wheel at a time, now that I have limited my intake it just wasn’t worth keeping it all out. Plus Weasel was rather intrigued by the limited cheese so she’s trying it too. I know it freezes well because I took a wheel to my Dad in the US when we visited last year and he froze it so it could be rationed appropriately. I loved taking a wheel of cheese across international boards. A little cheese trivia for you: you can take hard cheeses across international borders but not soft cheeses.

Okay, that’s enough talk of cheese and food in general.

Weasel and I watched Lars and the Real Girl yesterday. It was incredibly sweet. I don’t want to spoil it for everyone, so skip to the next paragraph if you don’t want to know. I found it very interesting how everyone projected their own ideas onto what Lars was doing. Assuming that he was fucking Bianca [the doll] just because that is what they would do. I loved the doctor and how she worked with Lars so gently. I loved how he coped with moving on from Bianca. Go watch it.

I’m never sure how to reply to comments here. When I started writing commenting systems didn’t exist and I always feel very awkward with people so I do nothing. Then I feel like maybe I ought to do something. God, I’m so socially inept.

Horatio called me last night. It is strange talking to him in France. He has a very different existence with his family and I do not know that version of Horatio very well. I also don’t have much to report so once he has relayed his goings on the conversation slows and stops. I wish I did more.

My sewing project shirt has moved forward slightly. I decided instead of creating another neckline, I’d move the existing one up by making the short shorter overall. Erm. That doesn’t make sense, but trust me it works. So I’ve had to undo some of my previous sewing. Good practice for me I suppose. I’m going to try to move forward tomorrow.

Things I did today:

• Went to the library and managed to score the first three books of the Seventh Tower series by Garth Nix. Weasel and I very much enjoy Mr Nix’s work so this is awesome.
• Had a cheese sandwich with 34g of cheese. It is surprising how little it is. I will adjust. Don’t tell anyone about the extra 4g please.
• Sewed up the sides of my first shirt. It worked rather well if I do say so myself. The back isn’t tall enough so I’m going to have to manufacture collar solution. I’m not entire sure how I’m going to do that yet.
• Knitted a few more rows of my skirt. I think I will have it finished in the next week or so.
• Filled out my benefit questionnaire. I finally just dived in and did it.
• Started the forms for me to participate in a genetic study for WG patients.
• Vacuumed.
• Did the dishes and tidied up the kitchen.
• Created a new dinner thing. See below.
• Exchanged e-mail with Horatio and my Mom.
• Found someone on FreeCycle who might want to take my old computer so it’ll stop collecting dust.

I decided since I was allowed cottage cheese I’d have a jacket potato. Looking at the GI lists though, big baked potatoes are high GI, but new potatoes are low GI. So I decided to steam some baby potatoes and put cottage cheese and chives on top. I thought we’d have green beans on the side. I told Weasel and she asked for some protein. I said I thought cottage cheese was so while she looked it up [it is] I suggested something with the tofu. So I made this … thing:

1 medium red onion, half chopped, half cut into half-moons
1 tbps olive oil
1 block silk tofu
1/4 c apple cider balsamic vinegar
2 tsp Worcestershire sauce
2 tsp vegetable stock powder
3 cloves garlic, minced
Handful green beans, cut into bit size pieces
14 cherry tomatoes cut in half
2 tsp Cider Mustard with Horseradish
Salt & pepper

Cube the tofu and marinate in vinegar, Worcestershire sauce and veggie powder in a large wok. While it is soaking, sauté the onion and garlic in the oil in another pan. When onion is just starting to caramelise dump into pan with tofu. Move tofu to heat and add the green beans, tomatoes, mustard and salt & pepper. Continue cooking until liquid is gone.

The measurements are not exact, I tend to just throw things in, so go with your own tastes. It was surprisingly tasty. I love all the things involved so I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised.

Harry Potter was awesome. It has been ages since I read the book so I’m sure there are many things that could have bothered me, but the generally didn’t. My only complaint really is that the battle at the Burrow didn’t make any sense. It was funnier than I thought it would be too. Go see it.

So I saw the dietitian yesterday. I have to reduce my cheese intake to 30g every other day. I cried. I’m not proud, but cheese is very important to me. I can have 100g cottage cheese every day though! As if that’s any consolation. I also have to have milk and yoghurt every day. Grumble. I see him again on 11th August. Apparently, this is just the first of several changes I can make to slim down to the svelte size 10 I’m sure I can be… note the sarcasm. I actually agree that my cheese consumption had been getting a little excessive and I think cutting back on it is a good idea so I’m going along with it. If he suggests anything crazy I’m not going to do it.

I am cautiously thinking that my increased anti-depressants are doing the job. I feel more… willing? Able? Interested? Something like that.

Horatio has been gone for days now and I still miss him and I miss playing Cribbage. If I were more socially outgoing I’d totally go play a stranger online. But I’m stunted.

Weasel has a BBQ on Friday so it will just be me and Doodle for the evening. Maybe we’ll thumb wrestle.

I’ve been listening to Tori’s Abnormally Attracted to Sin finally. I’m enjoying it so very much. I must say ‘Strong Black Vine’ became ‘So Blagger Vance’ [Bagger Vance] so I win at listening. I adore ‘Fast Horse’ and ‘Starling’ so far and if I were any good at titles I’d totally be able to list more. So much love. Cannot wait to see her with my sister and my wife. Will be incredible.

I dedicate this to my Weasel who tagged me.

1. What time did you get up this morning?
10:20ish I think. Might have been 10:40ish. Cannot really recall.

2. How do you like your steak?
Back when I ate meat, I had to have it well done. I cannot abide the pink in meat.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince

4. What is your favorite TV show?
Medium, House M.D., The Closer, The Brady Bunch, Psych and many, many others.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
I’m happy here. Wish it were closer to some places.

6. What did you have for breakfast?
Bowl of Special K Oats & Honey & skimmed milk.

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Mexican and Italian. I’ll try anything once though.

8. What foods do you dislike?
Sea food, even sea weed. I like tuna.

9. Favorite place to eat?
At home or anywhere Stoat happens to be cooking.

10. Favorite dressing?
Ranch or Thousand Island.

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
I don’t.

12. What are your favorite clothes?
Comfortable.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
Anywhere and everywhere. Expect places where I am likely to be maimed/raped/killed.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?

15. Where would you want to retire?
Wherever there are Weasels.

16. Favorite time of day?
Twilight. I used to love early morning, but it is no longer accessible to me.

17. Where were you born?
USA.

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Snooker. Very soothing. Also enjoy professional level rugby. I don’t understand it, but it is incredibly violent.

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?

20. Person you expect to tag you back first?

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?

22. Bird watcher?
I love women.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
See 16.

24. Do you have any pets?
Alas no. Would love to have a dog though.

25. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share?
No.

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
An accountant. Before I learned about multiplication and division. If maths stopped at addition and subtraction I’d be really good at it.

27. What is your best childhood memory?
I don’t have a best because there are too many good ones to pick from. My Mom reading to me, sleeping on the trampoline, cooking with my Dad, camping, playing with my sisters. I had an excellent childhood.

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
See 24.

29. Are you married?
Yes.

30. Always wear your seat belt?
Yes.

31. Been in a car accident?
Yes.

32. Any pet peeves?
Yes.

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings?
Olives, pineapple, mushrooms and red onions.

34. Favorite Flower?
Carnation.

35. Favorite ice cream?
Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
I don’t really do fast food, when I need something on the go, I get some pasta or a sandwich from a shop.

37. How many times did you fail your driver’s test?
0. I passed first time, but my driving career was very short.

38. From whom did you get your last email?
Probably the WG Discussion group or the local FreeCycle list.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Maxing out your credit card is an incredibly stupid thing to do, I wouldn’t do it.

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
It is difficult to be spontaneous with my illness,

41. Like your job?
Being unemployed? No. No I do not.

42. Broccoli?
Lovely, especially when steamed.

43. What was your favorite vacation?
Any time I see family is good with me.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
Horatio.

45. What are you listening to right now?
Nothing, not wearing my hearing aids. Unless tinnitus counts?

46. What is your favorite color?
Shades of blue.

47. How many tattoos do you have?
One, on the inside of my right calf. Mirrors the one Weasel has on the inside of her left.

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?
0.

49. What time did you finish this quiz?
17:25.

50. Coffee Drinker?
No.

Last night I was trying to remember the IP address of the server where I used to work. The numbers that kept coming to me were: 10, 24, 768. I couldn’t figure out what these numbers were. So I asked Google and it turns out it is a monitor resolution… I still can’t recall the IP address.

I wrote my physiotherapist a rather sad e-mail last night about how I was sorry I hadn’t written, but I was embarrassed and ashamed because I’d been doing the bear minimum. Then I said my fitness goal was for my chest doctor to leave me alone about my weight. She called me today just to check on me.

While we were talking I told her about how Weasel had invited me to go to London with her in August and I had to decline because I can’t walk that much. I’d hit on the idea of hiring a wheelchair. So I asked my physiotherapist if she had any advice on that. She said she’d talk to the wheelchair people and arrange for me to get one. After we hung up she called back within 10 minutes and said it was good to go and the wheelchair people would call me to arrange delivery!

I’m amazed at how easy it was. I thought I’d just get to participate in a local hire scheme or similar, but I’ll get to have my own! I’m very excited about this. I can walk for a while, but I get tired and then there is no where for me to rest. This way, if I get tired, I can sit down and rest for a moment and then use my arms to keep moving instead of continuing the same movements.

And it is free. I love the NHS.

Dietitian story and Harry Potter movie thoughts another day.

Last Wednesday. NIN/JA.

Resting all day in preparation for a night of excellence.

Missed the 5:15 train, got the 5:45. London is very busy. Raining. Get splashed with cold rain walking to the Underground. Get to O2 Arena. Huge. People everywhere. Weasel is left outside to meet with Holly. Doodle and I head inside. Ask where Customer Services on Level 1 is so I can get my hearing loop. Head towards Entrance H; walk for miles passing restaurants, bars, cinema and roller skating rink.

Arrive. Place bag on table for security. Coughing lots because of huge unexpected trek. Guard looks at me, my bag and tells me to ‘go ahead and take your lungs with you’. Doodle and I go up and see merchandise stall, but decide to sort out loop first. Pass our 110 entrance in favour of 118 to find Customer Services. Trade credit card for hearing loop. Walk back to merchandise stall. Buy beautiful olive green tee-shirt. Jealous of Doodle’s beautiful NIN messenger bag. We find our seats after some confusion.

Sitting is good.

Jane’s Addiction is not good. Me to Doodle: ‘Did he really just grab and thrust?’ Weasel to me: ‘His voice has not aged well’ and ‘He is an hyperactive oversexed 12-year-old!’ Me to Weasel: ‘No offence to 12-year-olds.’ Me to Weasel: ‘If he hadn’t told us that that was Been Caught Stealing I wouldn’t have known.’ After five songs I suggest we go find some food. Everyone agrees. Leaving provides palatable relief.

Pizza. £6.90 for 8″ pizza – four pieces. We buy two and get two piece each. Three bottles of water. Not enough, but can’t afford more. JA finishes and people flood out. We go back and sit down.

People watching. Man has brought his baby. Baby is swaddled to his chest. Not cool. Counting beer sales people in the standing section.

NIN. Wow. Excellent show. I couldn’t stand so I ended up looking at the backs of the people in the row in front of us. We were technically on the second row. I did managed to stand for five songs – my favourites like Terrible Lie, Head Like a Hole and Hurt. Best performance I’ve ever heard of Hurt. We were all singing along. Was moving like church. People had their mobiles open like lighter flames from the 60s. Incredible.

Stupid man two rows back decided to have a cigarette. I told one of the ushers. I presume he had a warning. He started another one a while later. I told the usher again. Man was removed from the venue. I’ve never had someone ejected before. I’ve had people cautioned though. I’m of the belief that one goes to gigs for the music, some people disagree.

The end. I had to go return my listening device. We joined the crowd heading for the Underground. There were crowd control measures in place. We started worrying about missing our train home, so we tried to get a taxi. No luck. Back to the queue. Made it on a train. Changed trains quickly at London Bridge. Weasel was panicking about missing train, I realised it might be because she was thinking that our train was at 12:04, it was 12:07 and in the world of trains three minutes helps. Got off the Underground and I did my best to hurry. It was the first time I really pushed hard since my lungs went. It was a very bad feeling. I did not enjoy it. My legs stopped working and I couldn’t breathe [of course]. We got on the train with at least seven minutes to spare.

We debated about getting a taxi home from the rail station, but the problem is that calling one and waiting for it would take the same time as just walking. So we walked. Saw two hedgehogs. So cute. Doodle went straight to bed. I had a sandwich. Had to calm down. Bed at 3:30.

Thursday 9:30 wake up. Internal clock has decided to start working again and wakes me between 9:20 and 9:45. Exhausted, body hurts. Have appointment with doctor to discuss depression. Was going to cycle, but wanted Weasel to go with me so had to walk*. Tried my best to explain what I’m feeling. He put my antidepressant up from 40mg to 60. Arranged for information about therapeutic work. This is undemanding work that can be taken up with medical supervision. I’m very keen in theory.

* She still had stitched in her leg and couldn’t cycle. Got them out on Friday and she is healing nicely.

Afterwards we wandered around a home improvement shop, very fun. Got plant food for my herb garden. They’re doing really well [I think]. We’ve had a little coriander so far. I think my basil might have been overwhelmed by the rocket.

I’ve started my four day food diary for my dietitian appointment on Tuesday. I put if off as long as I could because it drives me crazy doing diaries. Did you know that a serving of Special K is 30g? I normally have about 100g. Ah well. I’m going to take the two diaries I kept before too. Very scared.

Will get to see new Harry Potter on Tuesday with Weasel and Doodle. Exciting!

Horatio has left today for his holiday. Miss him.

Fergus is wonderfully cute. He says ‘woof’.