When I was a teenager, I decided that god made me fat and unattractive to protect my virtue because I was very perverse and would totally not keep my body temple pure. Then the internet happened and guess what? It totally didn’t matter what I looked like, because no one could see me! This was before digital cameras, before scanners really and so very few people had photos online. Even when they did, you’d have to wait like ten minutes for a single photo to load. Wasn’t worth it. So cybersex and telephone sex abounded. Good times.

When I met Weasel, I didn’t know what she looked like until about five months in to ‘us’. She sent me a lovely box of goodies, including a Polaroid of her. I spent hours with that photo, she was [is] gorgeous. Technology moved along as our relationship did and we eventually exchanged many photos. I remember though, that even though I was fat and unattractive she still wanted to be with me.

A year later, we met in person and she still wanted to be with me. Looking back at photos from that time I think I look inflated, I continue to be amazed that she wanted me just as I was. Now I look at me and I am still amazed she wants me.

Over the 10 years, I’ve gone from a size 20, to a 12 and now I’m somewhere in the middle. I’ve had very long blonde hair, very short red hair and now I’m somewhere in the middle. I used to wear contacts every day, now I rarely do – in fact, I think it has been over a year since I last wore them. I’ve been hearing for most of our relationship, now I wear hearing aids and make her shout at me when I don’t feel like wearing them [which is often]. I used to breathe very well and now I struggle. I used to have a full nose, now I’m missing a fairly large chunk.

I remind myself though, that I am still in here. My body is just the shell of who I am and who she fell in love with. I expect that I could lose a limb, be bald and toothless and she’d still want to be with me.