Tracing
On Friday I had possibility. I let myself get my hopes up, despite my best efforts. I have always preferred being surprised over disappointed. I have three spots of narrowing in my lungs - the first is before the airways branch off into each lung [narrowing A], the second is in the upper right lobe [B] and the third is into the lower right [C].
In May C was a pinhead - 2.5mm which they managed to dilate under general anaesthetic to 10mm. So for this bronchoscopy and dilation we had three possibilities:
- C stayed open and just needed treated with some any scar-tissue spray, so one or both of the other spots could be opened at the same time.
- C closed, but it could be opened and sprayed and still have a chance to do one of the others.
- C closed, it is dilated and sprayed.
I was obviously hoping for option 1. A little too much truth me told. I am so desperate to breathe. I want to ride my bicycle. Walk faster and further. Talk without having to stop for a breath. I’d be able to start Yogalates properly.
Turns out we got option 3 instead. Because this one was under sedation instead of general anaesthetic they couldn’t do as much so I only got 5mm for spot C now. I haven’t made any progress really. I’m due to go back in for another go under general anaesthetic sometime in September.
I feel so stupid, I knew that there was a greater than 50% chance that the spot would narrow again, I even suspected it over the last few weeks. I just wanted it so desperately.
I’ve been coughing a lot since then. I’m better in that I’ve only vomited once. But I’ve had horrible cough headaches and my sleeping is shot. I don’t think I’ll ever stop trying to be like I used to be.
I’m not the only one having lousy health news. BlanketGirl has been diagnosed with fibromyalgia now too. It sucks so much that she’s going through this and I wish I could do something to help. I’ll be speaking with her tonight so I guess I’ll know how she’s doing then. It just breaks my heart watching her suffer so much.
Remember how Horatio’s Mum hated me? How she met me three times in person and had no other interactions but decided that I was just awful? How she once refused to come into her house because I was in it? Since Horatio moved out last October she has decided that maybe I’m not so bad after all. I’m not sure what brought the change of heart, but I am nervous of it. She has invited Horatio and I to lunch on Sunday [I’m visiting him from Thursday to Monday]. I want to go because I want to have peace between us for Horatio’s sake, but I am scared. I am not at my most resilient at the moment and I’m not sure I’ll be equipped to deal with any meanness.
Last night Weasel and I watched the first episode of season one of The Closer. I enjoyed it very much, I think Weasel did too. Unfortunately, for their first episode they decided to touch on some issues Weasel is very passionate about and we got into a discussion following. I finally realised what my ‘problem’ is: hate, bias and judgement are so far outside what I consider to be ‘normal’ behaviour that I am surprised when others display these qualities.
I don’t care what other people do, who they do it with or how they do it. You want to lop off your left foot and fashion a hat out of it? More power to you. Want to shag three men, six women and finish off with a 10-hour masturbation session all while watching shellfish footage? Go for it.
So I am baffled when people kill someone because they’re gay. I’m also baffled when McCain says that he is pro-life but anti gay adoption. He wants to force all sorts of people who don’t want children to have them. So logically they would end up being raised by the state and hopefully adopted. But he has blocked the most logical group for adoption from doing it! Gay people cannot make babies by mistake, so you know that any child they have is desperately wanted. Isn’t that an amazing thought? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if every single child born was wanted?
I’m afraid I’ve been having a few very quiet days, trying not to move for fear of coughing. Watching the Olympics [Go Team GB!!!]. I’ve been in my head a lot, wondering what I can do about all this social anger I have. I feel so impotent.
In work news, I found a redundancy helpline and I have the forms coming to me. If all goes well, I should get over £1400 lump sum from the company folding. I plan on using it to buy clothes. I’m a completely different size now and nothing fits properly anymore. I intend to make use of Debenham’s personal shopper service. Must find out if M&S or John Lewis have such a thing. Or maybe I’ll find a stylist separately. The rest will go into savings.
